It's the Holiday Season

Every year since we started planning our wedding I feel like we've skimped on Christmas gifts. Maybe because this is the 3rd Christmas in a row that we're super broke and Steve is laid off. I just wish he could find something that actually sticks, I know he does too. It's always because he is low man on the totem pole. He's had some really good leads, but with this economy its just really difficult for him to find something that will pay decent. So this year we've decided small gifts for the kids and parents, and we'll do stocking stuffers for each other. I'm sure our families understand the predicament we're in.

Our decorations are up and I've taken some pictures but I don't have a cord to load them on the PC. This is why I'm so behind. I have to load pictures from all the way back to September! Maybe I'll have time to figure out how to do it through my printer this weekend. I hope.

I have a cold, and it sucks. My head is stuffy. I have this hacky sounding dry cough. I can't seem to clear my throat, and I've woken every morning this week with a sore throat, probably from mouth breathing.

We are not doing the TTC thing this month and it's pretty nice. Its nice not to have to count the days and schedule the ultra sounds, purchase the medicine. Although I'm still reading the posts on twoweekwait.com and I still know what cycle day I'm on. It's hard to forget that stuff when its been embedded my brain for months and months. At least I'm not stressing about follicle size for next week, and if or when I'll trigger. Next week will be like any normal person's week. Although it is my last week at my current job, and my last week in the Accelerated BA Program!!

Even though I have three classes to finish up in winter, this is the last semester of my program and I already feel like I'm graduating! I can't wait to walk in June and don a cap and gown!

What to say...

I have delayed posting because of all the things that have happened over the last few weeks I just didn't think I could bring myself to actually write it all down. First and foremost the man that helped raise me the last 17 years of my life passed away, my stepdad John. There are no words at the grief me and my family have felt and are still dealing with everyday. I am thankful to all the kinds words and cards that were sent our way. There are several memories I could share about just how kind John was, but it still hurts too much. The same day he passed away I received a phone call from Lansing telling me that I got the job for the State of Michigan. What a roller coaster of a day! This is awesome news though, and I start my new job on December 14th, looking forward to actually having benefits. This means that we won't have to take such a big break from TTC after all!

I went to my RE on the 11th for a follicle check and low and behold (even though I messed up the Femara) I had a follicle on my right ovary that measured 25mm! femara is awesome! So I triggered and we did our "thing." I went in for bloodwork last thursday and tests confirm that I in fact did ovulate AGAIN (prog level 14.3)! Twice in a row! So today is 11dpo and we're just waiting to see if Aunt Flow comes or if this cycle worked. I'm a little pessemistic about this month because I messed up some of the drugs and all the stress from the funeral. Last month we did everything perfect and I was sure that cycle was it. So now I'm not wasting money on pee sticks and I'll just wait for my blood-draw on Friday, unless of course AF shows up. If it does come I will be having a nice glass of wine by my warm fireplace. It will be lovely. I'm trying not to be my hopes up and outwardly they're not (but inside they are~)

In school news I've completed all my papers and I'm just coasting through the next few weeks. I will officially be done with my program December 12th...and graduate in March after I finish the 3 electives I need.

In other family news. Steve's stepsister Aleisha gave birth to a beautiful baby girl last Thursday on 11-19-09. She is 6lbs 10oz and her name is Jocelyn Dawn...I went to see them at the hospital and she is beautiful.

Infertility Etiquette...

Now that we've crossed that invisible line to being treated as an infertile couple, and have for the last year been using fertility drugs I find myself becoming more sensitive to people's responses/reactions. If you inquire be prepared for my honest answer. Number 1 on the list below is the wrong response to my answer to your question. I understand that many people do not know certain aspects about infertility or the direction you must take to succeed/move on. This is why I have saturated my brain with information on all aspects of my particular condition and have joined online groups to find more information (success stories!)

BUT there is something that I feel the need to pass on from an article I read recently.

My favorites include:

* Don't offer unsolicited advice, ie. "relax", "adopt, you'll get pregnant", etc.

* Don't push adoption early on.

* Don't complain about your pregnancy. And if you are pregnant, don't gloat over it too much around us.

* Don't be crude

* Don't minimize the problem

* Just be there for them. Offer a shoulder to lean on, a tissue, etc.

I'm not the only one going through this, and chances are there is more than one woman you know dealing with this right now (especially if you are in my age demographic). Some women choose not to openly speak about their struggles with infertility and that is their right. I would just like some people, to know, that just knowing could change what you might say to someone. On the other hand please don't exclude us because of this. We know you don't know what else to say, and we appreciate your concern, just rethink your response or don't say anything at all. HUGS are always welcome. Thank you.

On to November....

Well my blood test results came back in on Wednesday as a big fat negative. I wasn't shocked. I try to stay positive, but on the inside I'm pessimistic about the whole thing. On the deeper inside I think I get my hopes up too much because I was sincerely depressed that it was negative, and then my AF didn't show up for the next couple of days getting my hopes up all over again, just to dash them in the mud again Saturday morning. So to make myself feel better while shopping for Allie's baby shower gift, I also bought myself a sweater. A beautiful green sweater. My wonderfully sweet husband also bought me an orchid plant. So I'll brush my hopes of October under the rug and move on to November. We only have our discounted COBRA until December, so afterwards we are taking a break. Benefits are essential since I go for ultrasounds weekly for this process. I really hate to take a break, but really its not great timing anyway. So here's reasons to take a break in 2010 to help me feel better:

1. Insurance is no longer
2. Not financially stable due to Steve being laid off now for almost a year
3. Last semester of school!
4. 30th Birthday party
5. New Year's champaigne

Also Christmas this year is going to be tough. We are broke. We are struggling to keep up. Our savings is a thing of the past and its all due to this depression. Steve applies for jobs daily and there is nothing out there. We are seriously considering leaving the state after I graduate. I love my house, but it might be necessary to give it up for us to move forward.

School is crazy. I'm drowning. Steve is doing well in his classes. He has a meeting with his dean today to go over applying to the program he wants to get in. I'm hoping it goes really well. It could be an answer to some of our prayers.

Paris, Papers, and Progesterone

Well I would like to start off the post on a happy note. Steve and I had a wonderful time at the Miller Ranch in Paris TN. It was one heck of a drive, but such a beautiful place. We spent the days lounging and helping out his parents get things together. (Lounging for Steve was sitting in a tree stand!) We had a little scare when his brother, Josh, got lost in the woods, but all turned out well and Steve got a little more exercise than planned. We had mentioned how we "triggered" on Tuesday so we got our own trailer for those 4 days so we could have some alone time. I posted the pictures I took on my phone on FB, but here's a couple:





Steve drove me around on that bush hog tractor, it was a blast! Plus I did some target practice as you can see above. I'm a good shot! I hit the middle of the target with my first shot! Now Steve wants me to go hunting with him! lol

In other good news I went in for a blood draw yesterday (Wednesday) on CD 21 and my progesterone level was a 19! Which is way above the miserable 3.9 is was last month. She said that I definitely ovulated! MY FIRST TIME EVER!!! Score 1 for my body responding! I have an appointment for a follow up next Wednesday and to discuss further action if this happens to be another failed cycle. Although I'm hoping that it will just be good news all around, I'm not trying to have false hope that we've finally succeeded after 2 years. I'm really just grateful that I am in my first 2 week wait ever, and that my body responded to something! I do have slight cramping today but I'm not really sure if it means anything good or bad.

In school news I going out of my f$*%&#% mind! This semester is the most demanding yet. We have 2 IPP papers (as usual), an MPP project, Glo-Bus software project, Portfolio IPP paper, Case Study (14 pages), on top of regular homework and exams. I have a Case Study that was assigned Tuesday and due next Tuesday. UGH! On top of trying to write drafts for my IPPs and study for an exam now I have to write another case study because I got a B+ instead of an A. Someone please remind me that this will be worth it when its over because the stress level I'm at is in the RED!

Cinderelly Cinderelly.........

So I've felt incredibly overwhelmed with work and school lately (hence a 2 week break from a blog) but I need to update the goings on in the Miller Household.

We started the Femara on Oct3, and right away I noticed that I had less side effects (THANK YOU GOD!) Barely any hot flashes, and no sweating through my pj's at night (well maybe once). My edginess was better although I could still tell I was being a bit of a crab. Maybe the crabbiness stems from being so exhausted too. Working fulltime and school fulltime can really kick your butt. Especially with the workload they've unleashed on us this semester. I have to write 2 IPP papers, 1 IPP Portfolio paper, put together my portfolio, 2 group projects, a MPP project, not to mention read the chapters (ha! yeah right) and complete the normally due homework. Oops shoot, thats totally due today! ugh!

Anyhow I went back to the RE on Monday (the 12th) for a scan and bloodwork, as typical. This time I didn't have any big ones on the right (which has been where they've been coming from). BUT on my left ovary was a follicle that was 19mm (on CD12 no less!) which is the biggest one I've had on scan yet! So they took bloodwork and called me that afternoon to tell me to trigger the next day (an entire day ahead of normal schedule! woo hoo) So maybe this new drug is actually doing its job. So as of today we're triggered and again following doctors orders.

We're heading down to Steve's parents new land in Tennessee this weekend. I'm pretty excited it looked gorgeous from the pictures. I wasn't going to go since this was mainly a hunting trip, but since we've triggered I have to go (honestly I could really use the 4 day break! lol)I'm pretty excited! Paris, Tennessee here we come! I'm hoping to stop at Mammoth Cave on the way back too since we didn't see much of it the first time.

In other Miller news, our pudgy little Beast had an accident yesterday which made his toenail come completely off! Poor little guy. Steve rushed him to the vet (thank you my wonderful friend Katie!) and all is well. Although he looks a little sad with his bootie. SEE:



back to the grind!

This is the end, the end my friend

So my doctor just called and we're changing the game plan. No more Clomid. They feel my body isn't responding to it well. This is what I don't understand:
1. I had mature follicles, so I triggered. Bloodwork shows low progesterone on CD22, which means NO ovulation. Supposed to start prometrium, but Aunt Flow reared her ugly head before I even got a chance. AUNT FLOW!!! You exclaim?!?! YES! I got AF withOUT medication. Wouldn't that suggest that I in fact DID ovulate? Not sure. Since I have no experience in the ovulation department I'm not really sure how this whole fiasco is working.
2. SO now they're taking me off Clomid and I'll begin my first round of Femara on Saturday after an ultrasound tomorrow to make sure I don't have any "fake follicles" which are "endo-cysts." Which she thought I had heard of, but in fact I have not. Since Dr. Blacker didn't feel my endo was severe, I'm not sure why now they're considering me a (quote, unquote) "special case"

So I asked what makes me a special case and all that. I wanted to know what the difference was between Femara and Clomid. This sucks. I wish I understood and I wish my body worked. This whole thing is so Gawrsh Darn frustrating. I need to pray to Isis or something to get this figured out! Just kidding. But still....

Steve is supposed to be heading down to the Miller's land in Tennessee on the 15th to hunt with his Dad. NOW, since this will put him leaving on the day AFTER I trigger, I might have to go too. This stuff cost too much money to waste a cycle because he was hunting. UGH!

In other news my semester began this week. Its going to be a bunch of writing. This weekend we are heading to the Renaissance Festival. I'm excited! I've never been. I hope its fun.