There are several things that come along with being a first time Mom. Unsolicited advice from a number of sources. Fierce love that is completely overpowering and very emotionally raw. A feeling of "togetherness" I've never experienced within my marriage. So many things I couldn't name them or remember them all (with 10 months of less than my optimum hours of sleep its a wonder I remember to put on a bra).
Lately I've had feelings of doubt. Feelings of me messing up, ALL THE TIME. Feelings of other first time Moms who just instinctively "do it better". Sometimes I think postpartum is catching up with me. Sometimes I think I've always felt a little on the "outside" of the circle and this is no different. Sometimes I think I just don't hear about all the other first time mother's insecurities. I have this deep seeded fear that something will happen and be my fault. Especially when it comes to feeding Callie solid foods. I'm a totally wort wart. More like crazy paranoid. None my my feelings were founded until last night. I've been trying to introduce more solid foods into her diet. She eats puffs, cheerios, cookies, bread and mashed potatoes like a champ. So last night I gave her cut up peaches from a peach cup. The moment it touched her lips, before she could even chew it, she spat it out, gagged and then threw up from gagging. It scared me. She was fine. We tried again. Same result. I gave up, gave her a few more cheerios and some water and called it a day. Afterwards, while she was happily playing before bed I broke down in tears.
Steve said I was being silly and of course things like that happen because we are first time parents and every baby is different. And of course I know he's right. But I feel like because we wanted this SO bad, I have the need to prove how awesome I am as a mother.
Steve said the perfect thing "Babe, you are awesome at being a mother, because you are HER mother and that's all she needs."
I calmed down, my tears left and I smiled down at my happy girl. I am her mother. What a wonderful thing to be. She looked up at me smiled and then rasberried at me as if to say "Don't be silly Mommy, it's ok. We'll get it right."
Any suggestions on how to abate my fears?