Lately I've had feelings of doubt. Feelings of me messing up, ALL THE TIME. Feelings of other first time Moms who just instinctively "do it better". Sometimes I think postpartum is catching up with me. Sometimes I think I've always felt a little on the "outside" of the circle and this is no different. Sometimes I think I just don't hear about all the other first time mother's insecurities. I have this deep seeded fear that something will happen and be my fault. Especially when it comes to feeding Callie solid foods. I'm a totally wort wart. More like crazy paranoid. None my my feelings were founded until last night. I've been trying to introduce more solid foods into her diet. She eats puffs, cheerios, cookies, bread and mashed potatoes like a champ. So last night I gave her cut up peaches from a peach cup. The moment it touched her lips, before she could even chew it, she spat it out, gagged and then threw up from gagging. It scared me. She was fine. We tried again. Same result. I gave up, gave her a few more cheerios and some water and called it a day. Afterwards, while she was happily playing before bed I broke down in tears.
Steve said I was being silly and of course things like that happen because we are first time parents and every baby is different. And of course I know he's right. But I feel like because we wanted this SO bad, I have the need to prove how awesome I am as a mother.
Steve said the perfect thing "Babe, you are awesome at being a mother, because you are HER mother and that's all she needs."
I calmed down, my tears left and I smiled down at my happy girl. I am her mother. What a wonderful thing to be. She looked up at me smiled and then rasberried at me as if to say "Don't be silly Mommy, it's ok. We'll get it right."
Any suggestions on how to abate my fears?
3 comments:
#Husbandoftheyear! Cute blog Sarah, and your daughter is ADORABLE!
Oh girl, EVERY mom feels like this - even moms who have 4 or 5 kids (most of my friends have that many, crazy ladies lol, and I KNOW they feel that way). Did you read the recent article I posted on fb? We all are surviving each day, and we feel terrible most of the time if we compare ourselves to the moms and dads others pretend to be. REALITY is hard, and that is what it is. I don't have any advice except to breathe in, breathe out, and remember that she is HAPPY and she knows she is loved....and that part of life is learning that everything isn't perfect, even for babies. Mommy isn't always happy, mommy doesn't always get it right...but mommy ALWAYS loves me. As for the peaches - that is one example of lots of things that you will be so excited about, and will backfire lol! These are little PEOPLE we are raising - and they have so many unique characteristics. Since they are the first them to be them, we are learning it all new - but you are HER mom and therefore you will learn what SHE can do better than anyone else. Hang in there, hun. I get in this place to0 (daily lol)...what makes me feel better is to remember that this IS motherhood - the fantasy I had in my head before I had my kids was not reality. This IS reality - it isn't better or worse, it just is, and I GET to experience it, even the hard parts. Remember when we were waiting and other moms would talk about being exhausted, overwhelmed, frustrated...and we would think (or at least I know I would), I would KILL to be that exhausted, etc? Well, now we GET to have it all! lol! Even the insecurities that all those moms were desperately expressing, just PRAYING someone would encourage them. You are doing a GREAT job - Callie is precious as precious can be, and she knows she is cherished. You can't get any better than that!
Sarah, You are an awesome friend, I seen how awesome of a wife you are, you have an awesome personality, there is not one shred of doubt in my mind that you are an AWESOME mother. When you love something that much you tend to over analyse the simple things.. That baby girl Callie has something that called love from mommy and daddy bring baby callie.. Trust me when I say you can't go wrong as long as you have that. :)
love you!!1
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