I have always been what my Mom likes to call a "worry-wart". I come by it naturally as I get the gene from her. I have had higher levels of anxiety since I can remember. I really think the first time I remember being extremely anxious I was 9 years old and we were getting ready to take one of those exams for the state to gauge where we were academically. Since then I've also had physical reactions to stress. Some I won't discuss, but others include panic attacks and hive break outs. I've almost always felt in control of these situations and been able to keep it under wraps by soothing techniques.
This pregnancy has me on a whole new level of alert. If I was the country's defense system I would be at DEFCON 3. This is a medium readiness. Or would indicate a YELLOW tag. Before the pregnancy I was on no alert at all. Now any little thing has me jumping like a cricket. Some days I am overcome by this complete sense of calm. It's a nice break. Some days I am weeping for no reason and ready to chew off someone's head at the slightest provocation. When I mention this to my fertile family members they just say "Ha, that's because you're pregnant." or "You're definitely pregnant!" I like to be prepared, I read about everything happening from week to week (my Mom says I read too much...as if that's a thing!) But I was hit like a ton of bricks in the face with all the emotions that come along with growing this Miracle Muffin. My soothing techniques still work once I recognize the situation, but I can't control when the tears flow, or when I'm overcome with frustration.
I am now almost 14 weeks along and so ecstatic to be in my second trimester and I still can't bring myself to purchase anything for the baby, or even shop too long online for anything. My self soothing technique for failure is still in it's glass box. It's starting to crack a little. I have peeked at nursery ideas and furniture and let myself daydream in the baby's future room.
I sometimes wish I could be like a "normal" pregnant woman. Without fears. Thinking "Hey I'm pregnant" and just assuming that in several months I'll be bringing home my little piece of joy. But that will never happen. Infertile women know of the risks and measures it takes to grow a human. I wouldn't take the struggle back, I am extremely appreciative to my doctors, my family and my husband for joining me on this ride but I would like to lose a little of the anxiety that comes along with it.
Have I told you that I dream of our little one almost nightly? I can't wait for my dream to become reality.