Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Genectically Predisposed

I have always been what my Mom likes to call a "worry-wart". I come by it naturally as I get the gene from her. I have had higher levels of anxiety since I can remember. I really think the first time I remember being extremely anxious I was 9 years old and we were getting ready to take one of those exams for the state to gauge where we were academically. Since then I've also had physical reactions to stress. Some I won't discuss, but others include panic attacks and hive break outs. I've almost always felt in control of these situations and been able to keep it under wraps by soothing techniques.

This pregnancy has me on a whole new level of alert. If I was the country's defense system I would be at DEFCON 3. This is a medium readiness. Or would indicate a YELLOW tag. Before the pregnancy I was on no alert at all. Now any little thing has me jumping like a cricket. Some days I am overcome by this complete sense of calm. It's a nice break. Some days I am weeping for no reason and ready to chew off someone's head at the slightest provocation. When I mention this to my fertile family members they just say "Ha, that's because you're pregnant." or "You're definitely pregnant!" I like to be prepared, I read about everything happening from week to week (my Mom says I read too if that's a thing!) But I was hit like a ton of bricks in the face with all the emotions that come along with growing this Miracle Muffin. My soothing techniques still work once I recognize the situation, but I can't control when the tears flow, or when I'm overcome with frustration.

I am now almost 14 weeks along and so ecstatic to be in my second trimester and I still can't bring myself to purchase anything for the baby, or even shop too long online for anything. My self soothing technique for failure is still in it's glass box. It's starting to crack a little. I have peeked at nursery ideas and furniture and let myself daydream in the baby's future room.

I sometimes wish I could be like a "normal" pregnant woman. Without fears. Thinking "Hey I'm pregnant" and just assuming that in several months I'll be bringing home my little piece of joy. But that will never happen. Infertile women know of the risks and measures it takes to grow a human. I wouldn't take the struggle back, I am extremely appreciative to my doctors, my family and my husband for joining me on this ride but I would like to lose a little of the anxiety that comes along with it.

Have I told you that I dream of our little one almost nightly? I can't wait for my dream to become reality.


Faith said...

Yeah, I was like that too. Especially with my history. But, it did get better for me after about 20 weeks - when I was showing, could feel her move and knew she was a girl. I did worry, I did have my moments for sure, but not as often or as intense. And, honestly, now that I have her (and Jax), I wouldn't have wanted to go through it any other way because I appreciate them SO much more than my fertile friends understand. I live and breathe my kids, and some of my fertile friends think I'm crazy for some of the things I do - but I don't waste a single second. And I breathe them in every day, I soak in their smell, their soft skin, their beauty. Every day, multiple times a day. I'm not sure every mom does that. So I paid a price, but it is SO worth it - you'll see:).

Jules said...

I'm an anxious person too. I also make myself sick with the nerves and even break out in hives. My Mom was the exact same way. It's in our family and I know that regardless of telling myself that I need to calm down, I don't. My Dad even bought me a wooden sign that hangs in our den that says "Get Over It" but I never can. Especially with infertility. We are so excited about our transfer on Monday BUT I'm still thinking like I did with IUI's "Sure... it'll happen. I've heard that before". Like I'm setting myself up for failure. Even my inlaws talk like we are already pregnant and frankly it drives me nuts. It will make it that much worse in the even that our FET doesn't take. People say I need a better outlook but the fact that I've graduate from a pessimist to a realist is progress. I don't think I'll ever be an optimist. It's just not in me. I agree with Faith though. You will enjoy those babies so much more. I know how Faith is with her babies compared to some of our other friends out here and my friends back home. Hell I feel I appreciate my nephew and niece so much more than most people. (Don't get me started on my SIL & BIL and their daughter...). I do agree that you need to step away from the INTERNET and reading so much form time to time. I feel it's made me more paranoid and some of the info I've found doesn't match up with anything my RE has told me. Frankly he is the professional so I am going to follow his advice. Lucky for me they accept all my crazy frantic phone calls.

rsjablonski said...

Whether your a nervous person or not this is a nerve racking situation. You can't see or feel your baby yet and can constantly wonder "is everything ok in there?!?" This is normal. This is your body's way of getting you ready to parent. Because when your little miracle joins us in the outside world you won't be able to always see or feel them either. Parenting is hard and wonderful. Welcome from one Mommy to another, from me to you! xo