No Paddles

During my life as an infertile things that really shouldn't become a household norm, do. Things like early AM bloodwork appointments, more medication in the fridge than food, eating certain things, having sex at certain times. This has become the background to my daily life. I know automatically what 9 months from my ovulation date would be. I order extra medication so I have enough to begin the next cycle before I know if that cycle has failed or not. AND let's face it. The "failed cycles" are dominating 100%. I'm realistic and practical. I plan when I can do certain things pertaining to future treatments that have not happened yet. The numbness I feel on a cycle day 1 in normal. Don't get me wrong there is that initial sting and hurt and anger and jealousy of others, but I pick myself up and move on. What really bothers me is the feeling of LIMBO. Which is where I am right now. Today is 15dpiui. I did not test today to save my sanity. Yesterday was a BFN, and I am assuming that the crinone is delaying the inevitable, however, AF seems to be missing. I have made it to 15dpiui before, heck even 16 once. So here I am, limbo land without a paddle to steer me to either side.

I received a beautiful gift from a fellow infertility sister and friend, Julie, in the mail yesterday. She received the same gift from a friend, and I think I'm going to keep paying it forward. She sent me the Willow Tree Angel of Hope. It totally made my day. It did give me hope. Yesterday's negative test had me in a mood and my spirits were lifted by such a thoughtful gift.

So here I sit, in a boat with no paddles, but an angel by my side, waiting.