Thursday, July 14, 2011

No Paddles

During my life as an infertile things that really shouldn't become a household norm, do. Things like early AM bloodwork appointments, more medication in the fridge than food, eating certain things, having sex at certain times. This has become the background to my daily life. I know automatically what 9 months from my ovulation date would be. I order extra medication so I have enough to begin the next cycle before I know if that cycle has failed or not. AND let's face it. The "failed cycles" are dominating 100%. I'm realistic and practical. I plan when I can do certain things pertaining to future treatments that have not happened yet. The numbness I feel on a cycle day 1 in normal. Don't get me wrong there is that initial sting and hurt and anger and jealousy of others, but I pick myself up and move on. What really bothers me is the feeling of LIMBO. Which is where I am right now. Today is 15dpiui. I did not test today to save my sanity. Yesterday was a BFN, and I am assuming that the crinone is delaying the inevitable, however, AF seems to be missing. I have made it to 15dpiui before, heck even 16 once. So here I am, limbo land without a paddle to steer me to either side.

I received a beautiful gift from a fellow infertility sister and friend, Julie, in the mail yesterday. She received the same gift from a friend, and I think I'm going to keep paying it forward. She sent me the Willow Tree Angel of Hope. It totally made my day. It did give me hope. Yesterday's negative test had me in a mood and my spirits were lifted by such a thoughtful gift.

So here I sit, in a boat with no paddles, but an angel by my side, waiting.


Faith said...

Oh, sweetie, this is an awful time in the cycle! I REALLY hope AF stays away this time! The waiting just sucks! I love that Willow Tree - my husband gave it to me on Mother's Day 2010, when we were on the waiting list to adopt and just in LIMBO as you said...she sits on my nightstand and she is very special to me. So glad Jules could offer you some hope:).

Jules said...

You are very welcome and I hope it does give you a bit of hope and a little smile. You're not in this alone and a lot of people are hoping you get your miracle baby!