Monday, April 25, 2011

Silly me! Natural conception...what's that?!

For goodness sakes! I have NO idea why my hopes were elevated this cycle. We weren't on any form of ovulation medication, we weren't seeing the doctor 1-3 times a week, and my hopes of becoming pregnant were still there. Honestly, I think I have a problem. If the doctor can't even get me pregnant (Here we go! Gearing up for IUI #6, NUMBER SIX, ugh!), why would I think it could happen au-natural! Bah!

The hope section of my brain has a problem. I have hope about my own hope-ness, does that even make sense? For example, when my mom was in the hospital a little over a week ago I decided to call my STEP-sister to let her know what's going on. She said she would probably go up there about noon. Only to find out she didn't hours later, and never even called. My brain thinks "This is the only mother-figure you've had for the last 18 years. She'll follow through" and then I'm just disappointed in the end. I didn't think our family unit ended when her Dad, my John died, but I guess I was wrong. She felt it to be more important to fill Easter eggs at her son's school than visit my mother. Albeit, it wasn't a life threatening issue, it was the fact that she said she was going to go up there. I have to admit, I was more than a little upset with her and let her know so. I think my hope was there because at some point in the past I thought we had maybe bonded as family. I guess I was wrong. This is the same STEP-sister I've invited to my home several times and she's never once came by. I quit inviting her long ago. People, like her, disappoint me all the time and then I only get mad at myself for thinking it'll be different this time. At least my dear husband is there to vindicate my anger, hold me when I'm crying and help me to feel better in the end.

To make a long story short. This is another failed cycle, I wouldn't even really call it a cycle since I didn't ovulate (NOT EVEN CLOSE). On to prometrium to get this party started.


Faith said...

Uggghh, so sorry hun! I know exactly how you feel - I would have that little bit of hope every cycle, medicated or not. And then I'd get mad at myself for hoping when it didn't work. Then, after 2.5 years of trying, we DID get pregnant naturally, out of the blue. I was using some chinese herbs to keep my cycles regular and to keep my blood flowing (I have endo), but that was it. It wasn't to get me pg for sure! And now my daughter is 2 months old. It DOES happen - not every time for everyone, but it DOES happen. Don't lose your hope, hun!

womb for improvement said...

I reckon hope is an evolutionary tick that kicks in when all rational thought tells us otherwise. It probably helped the cave men ...

Sorry about your step sister. Mind you I reckon I haven't seen either of my step sister's for about two years and one of them arranged a meet up the day that I'm likely to have egg collection for my next IVF so I had to make a lame excuse which I am sure they have interpreted as a snub.