Here we go again. We are embarking on IUI #4.... I remain hopeful. Sometimes I question my hopefulness though. I really wonder how I am still hopeful after all the disappointing years of failure. I guess that's the "little ant" in me trying to move that dang rubber tree plant. Perseverance is my name. IUI #4 should happen sometime next week. I'm beginning the Menopur injections tonight. Three vials for 1cc of saline. This is a high dosage. There are only 5 vials in each box of medication. It burns, and it burns more the higher the concentration. It's worth it. Right?
I was talking to my Mister the other night about the magic of the holidays. Stop me if I've wrote about this before, but it seems as though something is missing from Christmas, New Year's Eve, even birthdays....The magic isn't there. The excitement and anticipation is missing. He just bluntly stated "It's because the magic is in the children. We don't have any, so it's missing." He wasn't saying this to be hurtful towards me. It was just a fact. AND he's right. This is when I feel like a failure. His eyes show his ache and yearning. He doesn't say he blames me for this missing from our lives. But it's there. Not blame perhaps, but the hole of a someone missing.
Doctor's say infertility is like dealing with the pain of a death, only OVER and OVER again as the months/years go on in fruitless attempts. Sometimes I agree. I am mourning at least one week of every month of what could've been. Who could've been.
I have trust and faith however this journey will not be met with tears of sadness, but with tears of joy, no matter what road we end up taking to get there....