Wednesday, January 12, 2011

To Sir with Love

Here we go again. We are embarking on IUI #4.... I remain hopeful. Sometimes I question my hopefulness though. I really wonder how I am still hopeful after all the disappointing years of failure. I guess that's the "little ant" in me trying to move that dang rubber tree plant. Perseverance is my name. IUI #4 should happen sometime next week. I'm beginning the Menopur injections tonight. Three vials for 1cc of saline. This is a high dosage. There are only 5 vials in each box of medication. It burns, and it burns more the higher the concentration. It's worth it. Right?

I was talking to my Mister the other night about the magic of the holidays. Stop me if I've wrote about this before, but it seems as though something is missing from Christmas, New Year's Eve, even birthdays....The magic isn't there. The excitement and anticipation is missing. He just bluntly stated "It's because the magic is in the children. We don't have any, so it's missing." He wasn't saying this to be hurtful towards me. It was just a fact. AND he's right. This is when I feel like a failure. His eyes show his ache and yearning. He doesn't say he blames me for this missing from our lives. But it's there. Not blame perhaps, but the hole of a someone missing.

Doctor's say infertility is like dealing with the pain of a death, only OVER and OVER again as the months/years go on in fruitless attempts. Sometimes I agree. I am mourning at least one week of every month of what could've been. Who could've been.

I have trust and faith however this journey will not be met with tears of sadness, but with tears of joy, no matter what road we end up taking to get there....


Jules said...

I know exactly how you feel Sarah. John has made innocent comments before that have set me off for weeks. I know that this is my fault because it's my body that is not cooperating. He can say over and over that it's not and that he doesn't blame me but I know that look in his eyes. I know the heart break he's feeling when our friends have kids. I even catch the look he gives me if I'm holding a friends child. I know he doesn't outward blame me or even think of it that way. But when you break it down it's me that can't get pregnant. At least we have amazing mean that love us regardless of our broken uteruses and let us lay our heads on their shoulders when things get rough. (Like cycle day 1!) Good luck on this cycle. I will have my fingers crossed the whole time!
I told Faith you read her blog. She was touched. So I'm forwarding the link to yours on to her. Take care my friend. This will happen for us.

womb for improvement said...

Good luck with the IUI. I hope next Christmas you have the missing piece.

Faith said...

Hi Sarah! Jules gave me your link. I will be following! Good luck on this IUI! As I read this post, I was reminded of one of mine that always sticks out in my mind, one of my dark moments:

You are not alone. You are right, though - this journey WILL end with joy and peace. Just not on your timing - damn it:). I'll be thinking of you!