I think my brain is fizzling out. Could these couple of weeks be the S L O W E S T E V E R?!? I went in for my progesterone check at lunch today and won't get the results until tomorrow. Here's hoping my levels are still on the "GREAT" side of things! I don't feel different or weird. I have so called "pregnancy" symptoms every month so that's nothing new. I just wish I knew definitively whether its a YES or a NO. I'm mentally preparing myself for devastation, but strongly and secretly hoping for success. I have a strong urge to start nesting, but I go home and don't even go in the spare room because I don't want keep pipe dreaming what isn't.
My line of work doesn't help either. Everyday I see people with their litter of children who are dirty or the parent is yelling or looking exhausted and depressed. Everyday I see girls at the age of 14, 15, 16 or 17 come in looking for help because they are pregnant and they've moved/been kicked out, and it is most likely not their first pregnancies. When I think of the struggles Steve and I have been dealing with the last couple of years, and the worry I have about conceiving or him finding a job, I see people who have it worse and are very poor. BUT I'm still jealous of them because I think I'd take poor & fertile over comfortable & infertile anyday. I hate this feeling of jealousy, it's not me. Self magazine wrote a great article on how women with infertility deal. I posted the link to my facebook. They compare each month of failure to conceive as like losing a loved one. Depression and the feeling of blame and brokeness kick in. It's true. Read the article and it will give you insight of how I feel sometimes.
So this week instead of stalking the "success stories" on websites, or busily chatting it up with other infertiles, I've been hanging with my girlfriends and dreaming about trips to Tahiti. Going to the movies with Steven, and planning for a weekend at the beach. I so need this before we find out next week!
"Our greatest glory is not in never failing, but in rising up every time we fail." ~Ralph Waldo Emerson