Friday, November 30, 2012

The Infertile Inside

Since we successfully conceived and carried our daughter most people would look at us as a nice and new family. Young parents learning the ropes (which we are). No one would look at us and wonder if Callie was conceived through natural means. No one asks what medication I took. They just assume we brought her into this world the good ole fashioned way. Of course except for family and friends who knew our struggles and treatment. So sometimes I'm a little over board about how much of a miracle she actually is. I will tell whomever comments on how gorgeous she is that she is our miracle, sometimes I leave it at that and most people agree. Babies are miracles no matter how they come into this world or who raises them. Sometimes they'll give me the knowing look (most of the time it's other women) and I'll explain shortly what it took to bring her into this world. Which almost always elicits a story of their neice/daughter/granddaughter/sister/selves struggle with having a family. It's not a club I wanted to be in, The Infertile Club, but it's a group of millions whom I'm proud of each and everyday.

I'm proud of the woman who is going through this holiday season after a failed treatment with a smile on her face.

I'm proud of the husband who sits next to her holding her hand in that special knowing way that says, "next time it'll be our turn" when they see a new family next to them at the store.

many holidays went by in our home without a baby's coos to fill it and we know just how lucky we are to be on the other side.

There have been several pregnancy announcements in my life lately and a lot of babies being born recently and soon. My first instinct is still to have that pit of jealousy in my stomach. To recoil at the announcement and fluff it off. The Infertile inside is still there. I wonder if she'll ever go away? I pray our struggles aren't as big next time, but they could be. My body has not corrected itself at all. I'm back on medication to kickstart a cycle because my body needs to work to be healthy.

Sitting in our living room the other night with Steve and Callie staring at the Christmas tree together. I felt it. The togetherness, the FAMILY of it all. It was THE MOMENT. The one. You know what I mean. The thing that you can't capture on film. Steve felt it too, he said as much. It made EVERYTHING worthwhile.

Miller Family 2012 photo by Melodi Brown

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