Thursday, August 2, 2012

Survivor's Guilt

They say when you are infertile every failed cycle is like processing the death of a loved one. I can say there were many Cycle Day 1's in which I cried myself to sleep. Steve and I would just hold each other and pray for the next cycle to be the cycle which all our efforts would pay off. We did everything we could, and 47 months of failure never got any easier. Oh sure some months I knew ahead of time, some months were quicker to process and move on. But the failure of what could've been was always lingering. There was not one month that I didn't know when we'd be due if we happened to conceive.

With that said, I am now in this unknown territory of being a Mommy, and still an infertile. I am in the "middle-lands". I don't feel like the other regular Mommy's out there. Yet, I'm not still counting my time in 2 week increments, pouring over what injection I'm doing today or getting up at the ass crack of dawn to have a wand shoved up my ...well you know what I'm getting at. I have my miracle, and I want to show her off to anyone willing to look at the 683 pictures I have on my iphone (Yes I have taken one, sometimes more, picture of her everyday since she was born) I'm not quite sure where I belong. I feel guilty talking to other infertiles still stuck in TTC land. I'm hoping they see me as a "success" story (like I used to) but I know what place they are in and it was terrible, and the green monster in me was in full force with every pregnancy announcement. Honestly I still have a hard time with them, especially when the Momma to be wasn't even trying. So I'm sorry to you ladies who read my blog and are still waiting on your miracles. My only words of encouragement are to stay strong and keep trying. If we would've thrown in the towel Callie would never be here, and she was meant to be here. She is lovely, and beautiful and all mine.

In the "When are you going to have another" (yes we've already been asked) speech. We do plan to try to have another baby, and probably sooner rather than later. I was hoping we'd get blessed and having been pregnant would sort of "reset" things. Alas, I had one visit from that nasty witch and she's flown the coup ever since. Seems like my body's natural way of things is to just NOT ovulate at all. So I guess around Christmas we'll have a good ole visit with Dr. M and get the show on the road.

In success story news, my in real life friend, and fellow sister on this journey through infertility, Julie gave birth to her IVF miracle yesterday. Welcome to the World, Ellie! We are so thankful to God you are here!

And I can't end a post with a couple pictures of my world:

Callie shopping for her BFF Baby Boy Householder, due in October

She sure loves her Auntie Rachael!

I took this yesterday during tummy time! She is growing way too fast!

Seriously we all know she looks like Steve, but this is nuts! She is all Daddy!


Rebecca said...

Please DON'T feel worked so hard for your miracle. Love the pic of Callie and daddy, sooo adorable.

Faith said...

I had to get over that quickly. I do think I got a "free pass" from a lot friends, though, because I adopted - I don't know exactly why, but they aren't as jealous of that. I think they should be - he is all perfect, all mine and my world too:)! And I am SO thrilled for Jules too!!!