Let me just preface this post by saying that I am venting a little bit, and in no way and I not thrilled for the other parties.
Something happened the other day and it really got me thinking. I came home from visiting my sister and a neighbor yelled for me to come over, "He had something for me" so I go over there and his whole family is there and they just stare at me. So I say "What's up?", another 15 seconds go by and their daughter-in-law announces to me that she is expecting. She and her husband are both quite young (not too young, just much younger than Steve and I) and were just married this past June. I congratulate them, and my neighbors for their impending grandparenthood say the appropriate things and go on my merry way.
However, on the inside, my old infertile thoughts are STILL there. I'm thinking on the inside am I supposed to say "I'm so happy it didn't take you 4 years!" I understand how thrilled they are and want to share the news, but I felt bombarded while the whole family stared at me for my reaction. I understand that most people don't get it. Just because I am pregnant doesn't mean the last four years are erased. I am infertile. I will always be an infertile. My reactions to certain situations will, for the forseeable future, still be based on my infertility. I still cringe at the thought of baby showers. I still avoid the "baby section" in Target out of habit. I am not an overly gushy person to begin with, so I'm not quite sure how my response turned out, although I'm pretty sure I said and acted in the correct manner. Does anyone think I am wrong in this? Should I just quickly let go of our past and try to act like a "normal fertile" woman? I just don't see how that is possible.
Again, I'm reiterating how thrilled I am for them. New babies are very exciting, and I'm so happy my neighbors will be grandparents, they are lovely people.
In other stuff going on around here. I'm 10-11ish weeks along. I have about two and a half weeks before my next OB appointment. Which I'm thinking won't include an ultrasound, but I think I might beg (strongly suggest, to help cure my neurotic behavior) for a little peek. My symptoms seem to have faded quite a bit. My nausea is pretty much out the window, unless I'm starved. I'm still tired, but not quite as bad. The only thing that seems to be constant is this lower back pain, maybe could be hip pain. It's pretty uncomfortable. I don't really have a strong theory what's causing it, the only thing I can think of is my body is stretching to make room for the baby. OH and it seems that I can no longer button most of my work slacks....(this bums me out a little, I thought I'd have more time before I needed the belly band)
In my sad nervous little moments when I am not feeling any symptoms I slightly panic thinking something may be wrong....I say a prayer and trust that God knows the plan, and go on with my day.
3 comments:
I still have an initial "gut" reaction when I hear pregnancy announcements. One of my staff just told me is 9 months pg yesterday and it happened on their first try! I wanted to slap her, lol! And here I am, MORE blessed than I could EVER have imagined. The luckiest mommy in the world, really! You are right, that infertile never leaves us completely, no matter how blessed we are. But I WILL say that, although I had that initial reaction, it didn't stick with me. It didn't eat me alive. I was able to move on with life. That feels good:).
Geez - not 9 months... 9 weeks! Lol! Yikes, I need a nap, lol!
I know how you feel only because I delt with it for 3.5 years like you did. I differ from you though in that I have all but forgotten my infertility. I wanted to be a mom, I'm going to be one and from now on, it will never matter again (until I get the itch for a little boy, I'm sure), but for now, I am content. "They" say you become more fertile after the first time. I am going to take this as fact rather than what fertile people say and look on the bright side of things. Honestly now, with the exception of you and *fingers crossed* Julie, when someone tells me they are pregnant, I think more of a "whooptie do, who isn't?" than "why was it so easy for you?". One cool thing is that the neighbor grandbaby can be friends with your baby :o) Try to embrace your pregnancy on every level, enjoy every little bit of it. Maybe do a little baby shopping - it's awesome! Oh and mostly, remember that all that trying will have made you a better, more thankful, possibly more deserving mommy than most. :o)
Post a Comment