Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Booms & Fizzles

We had a lovely holiday weekend. Steve was adorned with shouts of "Steve, Steve, Steve!" from the neighbors whenever he lit off one of his fireworks in the backyard. So you know he loved it. I didn't get my closet cleaned out yet, but I'm working on it. We've been preoccupied by friends being in town and BBQ's galore! Woodhaven's fireworks are on Friday and we'll be having friends over to watch them and then Steve can set off the rest of his stash in the field.

I'm feeling completely submerged in this infertility process, almost a drowning feeling. It's on my mind constantly. I'm reading about Gonal-F and IUI's on a daily basis. I think for the rest of the week or so I need to take a step back. It's completely ruling my every waking moment (and sometimes my dreaming ones too). I'm not sure if this is healthy. My close friends ask me how things are going, but I've moved to being very open about it, to just giving the necessary details. Not because I'm being secretive it's just that we've been doing this so long, I think I'm sick of talking about it, unless I have better news. I want to keep the blog updated so that later I can go back and read what I was thinking or feeling in that particular moment. BUT I'm sick of being disappointed and frankly, I'm sick of writing about it too.

I think my personality has slightly changed also. I used to be super optimistic and always a glass is half full kind of person. Over the last 2 years as hurdle after hurdle has come along in this process my outlook has changed. I've never known such feelings of jealousy and longing. Oh, I'm optimistic that someday this chance will be ours, but I'm no longer hopeful that every cycle could be our chance. This isn't good. I want to be that optimistic person again. I'm tired of feeling puffy and bloated from the medicine them telling me it "will all be worth it when I see that positive test". I'm tired of feeling broken and disappointing my husband. Oh he's very supportive and sweet about it, but I know that it's taking a toll on him too. Most of our friends have children and I know he'll be an amazing father.

Ugh! Vent over. Back to reality.


Jules said...

I know exactly how you feel. It's draining. I can't wait to get a positive so I can fell some optimism again. Good luck. I'm always thinking about you guys!

Pril said...

Just wish there was something I could really do for you. other than be here!