It's Miller Time

Her Gorgeous Face

2012-02-13T14:27:00.000-08:00

Her gorgeous face! I totally think she resembles her father!!

I think she looks like she's comtemplating, but my sister says she's probably shushing us because she's sleepy!

Today was great. Mini Muffin is weighing in at a whopping 2lbs 4oz and is in the 70th percentile for growth! Her heartrate was 152. Perfectly healthy and not showing any signs of issue with the subchorionic hematoma, which has also gotten smaller!

26 Weeks

Total Weight Loss/Gain: +23lbs, not happy, but Dr. M says I'm perfectly on track, back to the OB in 2 weeks

Maternity Clothes: All the time. (Honestly I love them, the tops are super cute!)

Stretch marks: None from pregnancy

Sleep: Work kicked me back out again, which is affording me the luxury of midafternoon naps (which I have never done!!)

Movement: lots! LOVE IT! I can't say how much I love feeling her enough!

Cravings/Aversions: cookies...I'm baking all the time these days!

Gender: a beautiful gorgeous baby GIRL!

Symptoms: Acid reflux, and I feel like my meals sit just under my ribcage

What I miss: Jimmy Johns, sushi, a good glass of beer

What I look forward to: My next OB appointment in 2 weeks and our baby shower!

Moods: Pretty awesome this week.

Milestones: Almost to the 3rd trimester, WOW!

Medical concerns: Subchorionic hematoma, and baby was detached from uterus (she has now started refused) Baby looks very healthy.

Baby Kicks

2012-02-03T08:03:00.001-08:00

24 week belly shot

This sweet little girl has been kicking her Momma like crazy and I gotta say I'm loving it to pieces and pieces. Every kick reassures me she is growing, every movement keeps me aware of this little person inside me. Steve not only can feel her movements, at night when she is especially active he can see it too. So far I can tell she loves music. She goes nuts when I eat fruit. She still doesn't like pizza. And she wont kick for me when I am hungry.

Short movement video. There's a good one right at the beginning. Sorry its so hard to see, she gets camera shy.

I went for my 24 week appointment this past Monday. Not thrilled about my weight gain. (up 11lbs which is almost as much as I gained in the entire first half) but thrilled to know she is almost 2lbs, and growing wonderfully. In fact we're both doing so well Dr. M has released me to return to work for the time being. Can't believe I'm actually excited to return to work! Back for another ultrasound on the 13th. It will be our first 3d ultrasound! I'm so excited!!

24-25 weeks

Total Weight Loss/Gain: +23lbs, not happy, but Dr. M says I'm perfectly on track and there's usually a big jump in weight and growth right about now

Maternity Clothes: All the time. (Honestly I love them, the tops are super cute!)

Stretch marks: None from pregnancy

Sleep: Finally started sleeping in just in time for me to return to work. She kicks me awake super early about twice a week

Movement: lots! LOVE IT! I can't say how much I love feeling her enough!

Cravings/Aversions: I have never liked cucumbers, and now I CRAVE them. Other than that my cravings have been fresh fruit and salad..which I guess isn't the worst craving to have :)

Gender: a beautiful gorgeous baby GIRL!

Symptoms: Starting to feel more fatigued, and my bump is getting in my way here and there. (love it!!)

What I miss: Jimmy Johns, sushi, an active social life....WORK, can you believe it!

What I look forward to: Our 3d ultrasound in 10 days

Moods: Pretty awesome this week. Still forgetting EVERYTHING, so I bought a calendar.

Milestones: Viability!! Meaning is she were to come now she has a chance of survival. I can't believe I'm 6 months pregnant! God is so good!

Medical concerns: Subchorionic hematoma, and baby was detached from uterus (she has now started to refuse, thank goodness) Baby looks very healthy.

Nursery Beginnings

2012-01-20T10:46:00.000-08:00

We have finally started to prepare for our spring arrival. I was reluctant to begin or purchase anything until we reached the halfway mark because my infertile heart is still healing. But since we are one precious week away from viability it is time. I gotta say this modified bedrest thing is REALLY limiting. I have this incredible urge to nest, yet I can't do anything about. So irritating.

Isn't he sexy painting our daughter's room!

Me faking it! I wanted at least one picture of me helping, even if it is posed.

In other news we got to see our little muffin again on Tuesday. She is perfect and gorgeous and getting so BIG! The ultrasound tech estimated her weight to be 1lb3oz already (at 22w2d). She is still measuring ahead which is wonderful considering the hematoma is still there and only a smidge smaller. She seems to be refused to my uteran wall, mostly, which is awesome. Her amniotic fluid was also good. I go back in 4 weeks to check on her again, and this time Eileen said we can do a 3D ultrasound! I'm wondering if it can be recorded since Steve can't go next time.

Baby at 22w2days! I am so in love!

The cutest little foot!

23 weeks

Total Weight Loss/Gain: +12lbs, although I think we had a "growth spurt" this week so my weight could be a little more

Maternity Clothes: All the time. Although since I'm still on modified bedrest I'm still usually in jammie pants

Stretch marks: None from pregnancy

Sleep: more energy, but I can't do anything with it.

Movement: lots! Muffin kept me up til 4am last night! I think she was throwing a party in there!

Cravings/Aversions: I have never liked cucumbers, and now I CRAVE them. Other than that my cravings have been fresh fruit and salad..which I guess isn't the worst craving to have :)

Gender: a beautiful gorgeous baby GIRL!

Symptoms: Starting to feel more fatigued, and my bump is getting in my way here and there. (love it!!)

What I miss: Jimmy Johns, sushi, an active social life....WORK, can you believe it!

What I look forward to: Viability, which is only 7 little days away!

Moods: Generally good, although bedrest can get a girl down. And I've been forgetting EVERYTHING.

Milestones: Haven't had any bleeding or spotting since 2 days before Christmas (knock on wood!)

Medical concerns: Subchorionic hematoma, and baby was detached from uterus (she has now started to refuse, thank goodness) Baby looks very healthy.

Caught on Video

2012-01-11T09:57:00.000-08:00

This is a short video I took on my phone. If you watch the right side of the remote around the 6 second mark you'll see her kick it!!

My darling husband finally got all the heavy furniture out of her nursery. Time to begin "nesting"!!

It's still so surreal, feeling her move, and even being pregnant. I can't wait to finally meet her and see her tiny little face. I used to go in her room and fantasize about our hopeful children and how I would decorate the room, and picture rocking a baby in a chair. And by the grace of God, and the miracle given to us, it's becoming real instead of fantasy! We are so blessed and I am overwhelmed with emotion everytime I feel her move. I can't wait for the first time I hear her cry, or the first time she gets fussy and reaches for me, her Mommy. I can't wait to see her fast asleep in her Daddy's arms, or listen to her Daddy read to her. All of these firsts in front of us. God is good!

A little more than 2 weeks until viability. I will breath a sigh of relief once its January 28th. Although I want her to stay cooking as long as possible. Dr. M says it's not a question of "if" but "when" I get the steroid shot for her lungs. She believes with the hematoma our precious little girl will come early. I hope not too early. I'm praying our ultrasound next Tuesday shows improvement. They are also going to check her amniotic fluid and growth to make sure the hematoma isn't restricting anything.

Halfway Cooked!

2012-01-09T13:09:00.001-08:00

We finally got the laptop back from Greek Squad!!! Hooray! So I have a few pictures to share today

Baby on 11-29-11. 6 days after the "bleeding episode"

The ultrasound when we found out we are having a DAUGHTER! Isn't she gorgeous? 12-5-11

Belly shot on Christmas Eve! Definitely a baby bump now!

New Years Eve, 20 weeks! Halfway!! (and taken after a ton of snacks!)

21-22 weeks

Total Weight Loss/Gain: +12lbs, measured at the OB's office last Monday. She said I'm right on track for weight.

Maternity Clothes: All the time. Although since I'm still on modified bedrest I'm still usually in jammie pants

Stretch marks: None from pregnancy

Sleep: more energy, but I can't do anything with it.

Movement: lots! I have a short video I'm going to try to post where she actually moves the remote on my tummy. And Steve has felt her a few times too!

Cravings/Aversions: still craving shakes and ice cream, which is so weird for me! Still cant eat pizza, and most meat kind of turns me off. Although we had prime rib for Christmas which was delish!

Gender: a beautiful gorgeous baby GIRL!

Symptoms: None really except my burgeoning bump, and slight cramping from the hematoma

What I miss: Jimmy Johns, sushi, an active social life....WORK, can you believe it!

What I look forward to: Viability which is in less than 3 weeks!

Moods: Generally good, although bedrest can get a girl down

Milestones: halfway cooked!

Medical concerns: Subchorionic hematoma, and baby was detached from uterus (she has now started to refuse, thank goodness) Baby looks very healthy.

TSO, Wicked and Wheelchairs....

2011-12-28T07:19:00.000-08:00

Sorry I have been MIA. It is hard to post from this darn iPod. I was going to do a good one from our laptop but it unexplainably crashed a week ago and has been at the doctor since.

First things first we found out we are having a gorgeous little GIRL! And 2 days later I felt her move for the first time, which was amazing.

I am still on bedrest, although a bit modified. I can do some activity, like go to the movies, shower more than twice a week, travel within a half hour radius. We saw the perinatologist last week, Dr. B, who is amazing. We got to peek at our precious little girl for over an hour! She is growing and gorgeous. The hematoma has gotten slightly smaller which is good, and there is no new blood showing on the ultrasound which is also good. Everything seems to be stable and going in the right direction. Praise God!

I have a few pictures, belly and ultrasound, but I haven't figured out how to upload them on this thing yet, hopefully next time I can share a bunch! I got also got to travel by wheelchair to finish up my Christmas shopping and see TSO and Wicked! Both shows were awesome!

19-20 weeks

Total Weight Loss/Gain: +11lbs ....could be a bit more since I have been so sedentary

Maternity Clothes: Well when I get out of pj's I am in my awesome Old Navy maternity jeans, and I love my maternity tops since it's a rare occasion I get to flaunt my bump.

Stretch marks: None from pregnancy

Sleep: more energy, but I can't do anything with it.

Movement: lots! I had an inkling I'd felt her about dec 7th, but now i know it. Steve hasn't been able to catch her movement yet, but it has to be soon because her kicks are getting stronger everyday.

Cravings/Aversions: still craving shakes and ice cream, which is so weird for me! Still cant eat pizza, and most meat kind of turns me off. Although we had prime rib for Christmas which was delish!

Gender: a beautiful gorgeous baby GIRL!

Symptoms: None really except my burgeoning bump, and slight cramping from the hematoma

What I miss: Jimmy Johns, sushi, an active social life....WORK, can you believe it!

What I look forward to: Viability which is in less than 4 weeks!

Moods: Generally good, although bedrest can get a girl down

Milestones: halfway cooked!

Medical concerns: Subchorionic hematoma, and baby was detached from uterus (she has now started to refuse, thank goodness) Baby looks very healthy.

Still resting in bed....

2011-12-09T12:08:00.000-08:00

Ok so I went on total pelvic rest on November 24th...and now I've been on complete bedrest for almost 2 weeks. The subchorionic tear is not better but not worse, however, blood has pooled around the other side of the baby and the amniotic sack has detached from the uterine wall. Sounds scary, but my OB didn't seem very stressed about it. She said it either must drain or reabsorb so the baby can reattach. I'll have a picture to post once I can sit up long enough to not be posting from the iPad. We are seeing a specialist on the 21st for our anatomy scan and to see if we have any improvement. I've just had random spotting all this week. Baby was measuring 17 weeks 3 days (over a week ahead! Keep on growing baby!) and seems unaffected for now. Just praying like crazy from my new bedroom in the family room. At least our pug seems to enjoy bedrest!

P.S. I believe I started feeling the baby move this week! Actually pretty positive! The best thing ever!

Bed Rest and Jello

2011-12-02T09:10:00.000-08:00

This post is going to be short since I'm chicken pecking laying down with the IPad. We had a little scare last week and had a pretty heavy bleed, I was diagnosed with a small placental tear, then further ultrasound this past Tuesday showed a marginal subchorionic bleed. So now I'm on bed rest until at the very least next Monday when I will have a follow up ultrasound. Baby is fine and seems to be unaffected. In fact he/she is measuring almost a week ahead. Heartbeat is great too. I've read up on SCH and the outcomes seem to be good. I'm hopiing it heals quickly because daytime TV stinks and I really would love to sleep in my own bed again instead of the aerobed Steve has put in the family room for me. I feel so useless. I can't even decorate my own Christmas tree. :( Anyhow enough complaining, I am grateful the baby is fine....so so grateful. Please keep us in your prayers.

A dozen donuts or baby? You decide.

2011-11-22T05:58:00.000-08:00

I'm not all that keen on belly shots until it's obvious. But I've had a couple people ask to see if my belly is growing. So I thought I'd let you be the judge of that:

This picture was taken on 9/30/11 at approx 7 weeks preggo

This one was taken last Sunday on 11/20/11 at approx 14 weeks

So what do you think... Baby or too many donuts?

14-15 weeks

Total Weight Loss/Gain: I haven't weighed myself but I'm probably about +5lbs.

Maternity Clothes: Finally broke down and wore the one pair of maternity slacks I bought and they are SUPER comfortable. I think I'd be ok in regular pants but the zipper makes things a bit uncomfortable

Stretch marks: None from pregnancy

Sleep: I'm still hitting the hay quite early. But I've also had a bad cold, so that second trimester energy boost has yet to hit.

Movement: None yet, but I'm patiently waiting. Should be in the next few weeks. :)

Cravings/Aversions: Still no pizza in my diet, but I've also notice a slight aversion to pork. (with the exception of bacon) Other than that, I had a salad with cucumber in it, which I don't usually like and it was delish...

Gender: We won't know until our appointment in January.

Symptoms: The lower back pain and sore breasts continue but I feel pretty good everywhere else. I have been having slight cramping every now and again. Feels like period cramps, but all the books say that it's more ligament stretching.

What I miss: sleeping through the night without having to get up to pee 2-3 times!

What I look forward to: Feeling the baby move!

Moods: Weepy, but I've been sick too.

Milestones: 2nd Trimester!!!!!! Hooray!

Medical concerns: None so far. Baby looks very healthy.

My thoughts are in Arizona today.....

2011-11-21T05:36:00.000-08:00

Today is my friend Julie's FET. She has been patiently waiting for this moment. I'm praying for her and her husband John today for a smooth transfer and a sticky embryo or two. The quality of her blasts are wonderful. I am praying for success. Good Luck Julie! Lots of thoughts and prayers being sent your way today from Michigan!

Genectically Predisposed

2011-11-16T06:12:00.000-08:00

I have always been what my Mom likes to call a "worry-wart". I come by it naturally as I get the gene from her. I have had higher levels of anxiety since I can remember. I really think the first time I remember being extremely anxious I was 9 years old and we were getting ready to take one of those exams for the state to gauge where we were academically. Since then I've also had physical reactions to stress. Some I won't discuss, but others include panic attacks and hive break outs. I've almost always felt in control of these situations and been able to keep it under wraps by soothing techniques.

This pregnancy has me on a whole new level of alert. If I was the country's defense system I would be at DEFCON 3. This is a medium readiness. Or would indicate a YELLOW tag. Before the pregnancy I was on no alert at all. Now any little thing has me jumping like a cricket. Some days I am overcome by this complete sense of calm. It's a nice break. Some days I am weeping for no reason and ready to chew off someone's head at the slightest provocation. When I mention this to my fertile family members they just say "Ha, that's because you're pregnant." or "You're definitely pregnant!" I like to be prepared, I read about everything happening from week to week (my Mom says I read too much...as if that's a thing!) But I was hit like a ton of bricks in the face with all the emotions that come along with growing this Miracle Muffin. My soothing techniques still work once I recognize the situation, but I can't control when the tears flow, or when I'm overcome with frustration.

I am now almost 14 weeks along and so ecstatic to be in my second trimester and I still can't bring myself to purchase anything for the baby, or even shop too long online for anything. My self soothing technique for failure is still in it's glass box. It's starting to crack a little. I have peeked at nursery ideas and furniture and let myself daydream in the baby's future room.

I sometimes wish I could be like a "normal" pregnant woman. Without fears. Thinking "Hey I'm pregnant" and just assuming that in several months I'll be bringing home my little piece of joy. But that will never happen. Infertile women know of the risks and measures it takes to grow a human. I wouldn't take the struggle back, I am extremely appreciative to my doctors, my family and my husband for joining me on this ride but I would like to lose a little of the anxiety that comes along with it.

Have I told you that I dream of our little one almost nightly? I can't wait for my dream to become reality.

Shakes & Dopplers

2011-11-09T06:33:00.000-08:00

A Hurdle has been crossed!! According to my OB we are now happily in the second trimester. (others will argue that the second trimester doesn't start for another weekish, but I'm going with my doctor on this one!)

Last night we had our second prenatal visit. Steve wasn't able to make it because of work (He is working like a crazy mad person right now!) There really wasn't much to it. Leave a urine sample, get weighed (ugh!) and blood pressure taken. BUT this time they used to Doppler and I was able to hear our little muffin's heartbeat for the 1st time! It was amazing. I recorded it, but for some dumb reason my out of date phone won't let me send it anywhere because the file is too big. Let me tell you though it was awesome! Baby's heartbeat was found almost right away, and was beating away strong and gorgeous in the 150's.

12-13 weeks

Total Weight Loss/Gain: +4lbs...which I was told is good & normal for being 12.5 weeks

Maternity Clothes: My mom and I went and bought some, and although I haven't worn the slacks, the tops are super cute so I'm wearing one today :)

Stretch marks: None from pregnancy

Sleep: Sleep is still my best friend

Movement: My OB said I'll have a very exciting holiday season with being able to feel the baby for the first time and she said I'll start to have the bump I desire which will look cute for Christmas pictures. Hooray!

Cravings/Aversions: SHAKES!!!!!! I am usually lactose intolerant, and have a big issue with milk, ice cream stuff....but now I'm craving Strawberry Shakes like crazy. And on the plus side they haven't upset my tummy at all (BONUS!)

Gender: We won't know until our appointment in January.

Symptoms: Sleepy, Sometimes nauseated, sensitive breasts, round ligament pain, lower back pain

What I miss: Jimmy Johns, sushi, an active social life....in that order

What I look forward to: Feeling the baby move!

Moods: Generally good, although this week I've been a bit weepy...they weren't kidding about pregnancy hormones!

Milestones: 2nd Trimester!!!!!! Hooray!

Medical concerns: None so far. Baby looks very healthy.

Ultrasounds and Pancakes (UPDATED)

2011-11-04T10:55:00.000-07:00

Today was our NT scan. Which as mentioned before checks the baby for any chromosomal abnormalities. Since Steve wasn't able to go (he's seriously working like a mad man!!) my good friend Melodi (my linking isn't working, her blog is on my right tool bar) went with me.

First this morning I woke up with a weird side pain, that is honestly still happening. It feels like the baby is kicking a nerve. Its by my right front hip. The nurse said it could either me sciatic or it could be bowel movement. I really don't know what it is but its been happening for 7 hours. At first it took my breathe away, now its just annoying. Any ideas?? Maybe ligament pain??

Anyhow the NT scan went great. The nuchal fold measured 1.4 (anything under 3mm is good) and the nasal bone was present. All good markers that do not indicate any chromosomal issues. They took some blood so combined with that we'll get a call in about a week. I didn't get much more info than that. She didn't say what the heartbeat was, or a guess at gender (bummer!). I'm thrilled that the baby is healthy and thriving.

Here's a new picture of Baby Miller at just a day shy of 12 weeks (measuring 12w3d)

EDIT ***My sister asked what this post had to do with pancakes and in my haste, I forgot to mention that Melodi and I chowed down on some awesome IHOP after the appointment. Seriously their pancakes are YUMMY! I am not a sweet eater, but have been craving them like crazy so I order the original buttermilk with just a dollop of whip cream on top and cinnamon sprinkled on top! PERFECTION!!

***Got a call this morning with our blood results and they are terrific!!! We are so thrilled.

Downs Syndrome ratio went from 1:500 to 1:9,981
Trisomy 13 &18 ratio went from 1:885 to 1:>10,000

(10,000 is the best they give!)

Red and black and slimy green.

2011-10-31T06:09:00.000-07:00

So, it's weird how when one symptom goes another shows up. I have been having issues with a bloody nose for the last weekish. Only twice has it actually dripped, but the rest is just bloody mucous. I read that this is also pretty common for pregnant women. My Mom thinks I am a little nutso about what I've been reading on the internet and in my book. I do need to remind myself to keep off the internet because a lot of it just makes me worry (a little trait I got from my dear Mother).

So here I am 11-12ish weeks. My NT scan is scheduled for Friday morning. This has me a little nervous but the closer it gets, it seems the more calm I am. I've been praying quite a bit. I need to tell myself it's just an extra chance to see our little peanut. The only part I don't like is having to go by myself. If you are unsure what an NT scan is, it's just an ultrasound (nothing invasive) that measures specific parts of the baby (heart, spine, neck, nose) to test for chromosomal abnormalities like Downs Syndrome and others.

11-12 weeks

Total Weight Loss/Gain: 3lbs still, although my scale may differ from the OB's. It could be closer to +5lbs

Maternity Clothes: Not yet, but I am using a rubber band on the buttons of my pants because it's not very comfortable to have them buttoned when I sit.

Stretch marks: None from pregnancy

Sleep: Still all the time.

Movement: Nothing yet, and probably not for a few weeks. This is one thing I'm really looking forward to.

Cravings/Aversions: Still no pizza. :( However I have been craving citrus/sour things lately like crazy!

Gender: I'm hoping to ask (BEG) the OB to give me a quick scan at my December appointment, otherwise we won't find out until January

Symptoms: Sleepy, Sometimes nauseated, sensitive breasts, round ligament pain, lower back pain

What I miss: Having a normal energy level, being able to eat anything I want.

What I look forward to: Getting a BUMP and seeing the baby again on Nov 8th

Moods: Generally good. Although I've noticed I get snippy/crabby at mealtimes and before bed.

Milestones: End of the 1st trimester!

Medical concerns: None so far. Baby looks very healthy.

How quickly they forget the time we spent trying....

2011-10-25T06:03:00.000-07:00

Let me just preface this post by saying that I am venting a little bit, and in no way and I not thrilled for the other parties.

Something happened the other day and it really got me thinking. I came home from visiting my sister and a neighbor yelled for me to come over, "He had something for me" so I go over there and his whole family is there and they just stare at me. So I say "What's up?", another 15 seconds go by and their daughter-in-law announces to me that she is expecting. She and her husband are both quite young (not too young, just much younger than Steve and I) and were just married this past June. I congratulate them, and my neighbors for their impending grandparenthood say the appropriate things and go on my merry way.

However, on the inside, my old infertile thoughts are STILL there. I'm thinking on the inside am I supposed to say "I'm so happy it didn't take you 4 years!" I understand how thrilled they are and want to share the news, but I felt bombarded while the whole family stared at me for my reaction. I understand that most people don't get it. Just because I am pregnant doesn't mean the last four years are erased. I am infertile. I will always be an infertile. My reactions to certain situations will, for the forseeable future, still be based on my infertility. I still cringe at the thought of baby showers. I still avoid the "baby section" in Target out of habit. I am not an overly gushy person to begin with, so I'm not quite sure how my response turned out, although I'm pretty sure I said and acted in the correct manner. Does anyone think I am wrong in this? Should I just quickly let go of our past and try to act like a "normal fertile" woman? I just don't see how that is possible.

Again, I'm reiterating how thrilled I am for them. New babies are very exciting, and I'm so happy my neighbors will be grandparents, they are lovely people.

In other stuff going on around here. I'm 10-11ish weeks along. I have about two and a half weeks before my next OB appointment. Which I'm thinking won't include an ultrasound, but I think I might beg (strongly suggest, to help cure my neurotic behavior) for a little peek. My symptoms seem to have faded quite a bit. My nausea is pretty much out the window, unless I'm starved. I'm still tired, but not quite as bad. The only thing that seems to be constant is this lower back pain, maybe could be hip pain. It's pretty uncomfortable. I don't really have a strong theory what's causing it, the only thing I can think of is my body is stretching to make room for the baby. OH and it seems that I can no longer button most of my work slacks....(this bums me out a little, I thought I'd have more time before I needed the belly band)

In my sad nervous little moments when I am not feeling any symptoms I slightly panic thinking something may be wrong....I say a prayer and trust that God knows the plan, and go on with my day.

Birds flying high you know how I feel

2011-10-18T07:24:00.000-07:00

Quick question. According to my doctor, and going by my last period, my due date is May 20, 2012...I have been measuring 5 days ahead on the last 2 ultrasounds..Our IUI was done on cycle day 11 (typically 3-4 days before "normal" women ovulate) Would this move my due date or is the baby just tall like his/her mama?

If it does I'm about 10 weeks, if not the ticker on the right is correct...

9-10 WEEKS(ish)

Total Weight Loss/Gain: 3lb gain (ALREADY!?!?) Makes sense since I'm munching non-stop to curb nausea

Maternity Clothes: Bought my first maternity top and a bella band. Don't really need them yet.

Stretch marks: None from pregnancy

Sleep: Still all the time, but I've stayed up past 9:30 a couple nights, which is a bonus!

Movement: Won't feel that for awhile, but Steve got to see the baby move on the ultrasound screen

Cravings/Aversions: Pizza- oh my poor poor pizza, I'm sorry but you are done being in my belly. I've tried twice now and it's just no good. One bite and nausea sets in. Lately I've been craving sour stuff (banana pepper rings, lemons, vinegar)

Gender: Is doesn't matter to us as long as the baby is healthy

Symptoms: Sleepy, Sometimes nauseated, sensitive breasts, round ligament pain, lower back pain

What I miss: Having a normal energy level, being able to eat anything I want.

What I look forward to: Getting a BUMP and seeing the baby again on Nov 8th

Moods: Generally good. Although I've noticed I get snippy/crabby at mealtimes and before bed.

Milestones: Graduated from RE!!

Medical concerns: None so far. Baby looks very healthy.

We've Graduated

2011-10-14T07:10:00.000-07:00

The baby is still measuring 5 days ahead of schedule. Yesterday he/she was measuring 9weeks 3days, heartbeat was 167. It was amazing to see the baby again. Seriously it never gets old. It's still very surreal that when I look at the screen there is actually someone growing inside of me! Everything looked wonderful. The placenta is growing nicely, and the yolk sac is much smaller. We even got to see the beginning of the embryonic sack (the fluid the baby swims and grows in for the next several months)Steve and the ultrasound tech even saw the baby dancing around like crazy! So as of yesterday, WE HAVE GRADUATED!! No more RE. I got tons of hugs as I left the office. It was bittersweet. I love the nurses and everyone there. Steve said we'll be back to hang the picture of our newborn on the wall with all the others. But for now we'll have to be satisfied with this one:

It's the last one for at least 4 weeks.

Can I get excited now???

Growing like a weed!

2011-10-12T05:37:00.000-07:00

This was from my first abdominal ultrasound yesterday at the OB's office. She was great and I'm really glad I chose their office. Look how much the baby has grown! So amazing. Tomorrow is my last appointment with my RE. Last look at the baby for at least 4 weeks, which is a bummer, but I'm so glad everything looks healthy.

Crossing into unknown waters

2011-10-11T06:15:00.000-07:00

This past month has been a series of new things that I've never experienced before. Some very very wonderful, and some not so wonderful (but good in pregnancy terms!) So much is changing. Although when I'm feeling normal and like myself its hard to think I'm even pregnant at all, and then 10 minutes pass and I yawn and feel nauseated and things are ok again. I woke up with a terrible migraine Saturday, so I went to the ER since it was closest to my house. They gave me Benadryl and Zofran. I did NOT like the way the Benadryl made me feel. They gave me a strong dosage in an IV and it was terrible, the nurse's lack of bedside manner didn't help either. I was by myself, feeling really strange and not in control which made me panic a little and all she kept telling me was "It will go away." The panic or the medication caused some pretty severe cramping so I had an ultrasound also. I only got to see the baby for about 5 seconds, but it was still awesome. Baby was measuring 5 days ahead at 8weeks, 5days and had a heartbeat of 157.

Speaking of feeling not so wonderful, I have learned some tricks to keep the nausea at bay which is wonderful, but not so great for gaining weight (according to my home scale I'm up 3lbs, uh oh). I have only had to pay a visit to the porcelain god about 5 times, which I'm thinking isn't too bad and I pat myself on the back every day I make it through. My trick is to eat, all the time, constantly, all day long. I am NOT this person so its hard to force food in my face when I'm not really hungry and I'm definitely feeling sick. But it does help. So now I constantly have something in my purse. Most of the time it's a Ziploc baggie of frosted mini wheats. I can't do saltines, they do not help.

It's so strange to think of myself as pregnant. I am just so excited and anxious. We have wanted this for so long. I don't feel any less infertile than I did a month ago. My mind entertains all sorts of different scenarios for this pregnancy and how we would handle it if something did go wrong. I think this is my subconscious trying to protect my heart. Preparing itself for the worst case scenario like all the other months when we got a BFN so I wouldn't be so heartbroken. It never did work.

I have my first OB appointment today. I am excited. I have never been to the OB part of the OBGYN's office. Another new territory. I have a list of questions I want to ask. First regarding the flu shot. I have heard that pregnant women should get one, but I've never had one before. Do you have any thoughts?

****EDIT I jinxed myself. Already been pukey twice today. At least I have my appointment to look forward too :)

YAWN................

2011-10-03T10:39:00.000-07:00

Nothing new is happening. I'm just coasting until my next couple of appointments next week. I meet with a regular OB next Tuesday, and have my last appointment (God willing) with my specialist next Thursday. I'm excited to see our little baby again, and have been praying that he/she is growing nice and strong.

Lots of people have asked how I am feeling and for the most part I feel fine. My symptoms seems to wax and wane each day. The only one that sticks around all day long is my sleepiness. Today I think is the worst it's been. I could probably sleep right here at my desk. I have no motivation for anything. I have been getting plenty of rest. I even took a nap yesterday in the middle of the day and still went to bed at 10pm. The only way I can describe it is that I feel constantly hungover. Which I suppose is a good thing.

I thought the following would be fun. I've seen it on a couple other blogs and though it was a great way to document our pregnancy.

7 WEEKS(ish)

Total Weight Loss/Gain: 0. I am still the same weight I was prepregnancy.

Maternity Clothes: Nope.

Stretch marks: None from pregnancy

Sleep: All the time please!

Movement: Won't feel that for awhile

Cravings/Aversions: I NEEDED a strawberry shake last night and Steve was the perfect hubby and went out to get me one.

Gender: Is doesn't matter to us as long as the baby is healthy

Symptoms: Sleepy, Sometimes nauseated (have only vomited 4 times overall), sensitive breasts, round ligament pain

What I miss: Having a normal energy level, being able to eat anything I want.

What I look forward to: Our second ultrasound next week!

Moods: Generally good. Although I was a bit "snippy" over the weekend

Milestones: BEING PREGNANT!!

Medical concerns: None so far.

Fruit and Linen

2011-09-28T09:14:00.000-07:00

Today is our 4th Wedding Anniversary. I also started writing this blog four years ago. My first post began as a "Beginning" like every good story does. Talking about what the future may hold and what a glorious day it was. All I can think about is the love and time spent together and how we are so lucky and blessed to say that our dreams and goals are being realized. Even if it wasn't on the timeline we thought it'd be we are still thankful and really excited to see what our future holds.

So, four years ago today I woke up giddy like it was Christmas on my Mom's couch with my cousin snoozing on the other couch ready to jump in the shower and get my hair done so I could go marry my husband. I don't remember saying our vows, but I do remember the KISS, and I do remember the way he looked at me when I was walking down the aisle. The rest of the night was a big blur of a party, but I do remember calling him my husband for the first time.

Today I woke up to kisses from that awesome husband, wishing me and the "mini-muffin" a wonderful day. We don't have anything extravagant planned for tonight. Just dinner. We've been so preoccupied that neither of us planned any gifts. Just as well, we are very prepared that our individual selves aren't the first priority anymore.

What a wonderful wonderful gift we've been given.

The most beautiful image I have ever seen

2011-09-22T09:22:00.000-07:00

Today we saw our baby for the first time. According to the doctor and going by my last month's period (I've been counting from the IUI, so I'm a couple days ahead) we are 5 weeks 5 days and our due date is May 20th, 2012. The ultrasound was wonderful and we got to keep a picture of the mini muffin too. Steve got to see the baby first while the tech took all the measurements. He asked "What is that little fluttering?" I gasped because I knew it was the heartbeat! Such a wonderful moment. We totally high-fived! The baby is measuring perfectly at 5w5d with a heartbeat of 100 (also perfect). We get to go back in three weeks for another ultrasound and then we should graduate to a regular OB! I feel so blessed.

Love in an elevator

2011-09-19T10:33:00.000-07:00

I am having a hard time feeling like this is real. I have absolutely refused to purchase any book regarding pregnancy because I'm afraid we'll get to the ultrasound on Thursday and I won't need it and I'll be devastated. I am worried and anxious for Thursday to get here. I knew I would be. I have no reason to think this pregnancy isn't going swimmingly. I'm just afraid because we want this baby so terribly bad. I am having some symptoms but nothing too terrible. I have been more sleepy, I've had a few bouts of nausea, and my breasts are pretty tender, but really nothing out of the ordinary. It kinds of reminds me how I feel when I'm stimming for a cycle. Honestly I don't even know how I'm supposed to feel. I am completely happy one moment and the next I'm worried and nervous..

It really is reminding me of a paramount birthday like when you turn 16 or 21. Everyone asks "So do you feel 16?" I don't think I honestly answered that question with a "Yes I feel totally different now that I'm older." I don't feel much different. I still look like me.

I had a crazy dream last night that I went in for the ultrasound with my Mom (who isn't going to be there) and we found out we are having twins (would not be a total shocker) and Steve wasn't there. I was SO mad at him for not being there that I woke up still mad at him. He will be there Thursday, we are meeting there. Our appointment is at 10am.

Say a prayer our little "mini-muffin" is growing beautifully!

Livin' on a Prayer

2011-09-15T05:16:00.000-07:00

I wanted to share a story that happened to us last week which was just so coincidental it had to be fate. A few months ago I was searching for different prayers to pray to God to bless us with a baby. I had already been doing my Novena to St. Ann and I was just curious to see if there were other things out there. While searching I came across a website for St. Gerard, he is the patron Saint of children (and unborn children in particular); childbirth; mothers (and expectant mothers in particular); motherhood; infertility. The website stated you could send a preaddressed postage paid envelope to this address in Yonkers, NY and they would send you a blessed medal of St.Gerard as a keepsake. So I went to my Mom's and used one of her envelopes and stamps and piece of stationary to write Mrs. Spano a note and sent away for this medal.

I thought it couldn't hurt, I already have a few things to keep my spirits up. My friend Julie sent me a beautiful Angel which sits on my mantel to keep our hope alive. When Steve and I were in Niagara Falls we stopped at a Buddhist Temple and received a blessed statue of their Guanyin Pusa (mother and child).

So last week, on Tuesday, the day we found out that we are pregnant I come home from work and grab the mail like I always do, and in the mail is the St. Gerard medal and a little prayer card. Talk about timing! The medal is too big for my necklace (which has a wishbone and little charm that reads "Faith" from my sister on it) so I've attached it to my keys so I always have it. The prayer card is in my purse.

Sweet Sweet Miracle of Miracles

2011-09-13T11:11:00.000-07:00

Hello!! Sorry I haven't posted in awhile, but we needed to make sure we weren't hallucinating when my Nurse called back last Tuesday and told us that we are PREGNANT!!! Yep, that's right! Can you believe it? I'm still in shock myself! Friday before we left for the lake I took a test just to see and it was definitely negative. The following Monday (Labor Day) I took one and low and behold TWO LINES!!!!! I was so shocked I was shaking and crying, I woke Steve up and he thought I was hurt!

Beta Tuesday confirmed we are pregnant. Our beta's are as follows:

Beta #1 (13dpiui)- 77
Beta #2 (16dpiui)- 238
Beta #3 (20dpiui)- 1,974 (YAY!!)

We've had some spotting (SCARY!), but as of now all seems well. First ultrasound is scheduled for next Thursday. I can't wait!! I'm so excited! Please say prayers for us that our little muffin keeps growing!!

Can it be over before the hope began?

2011-09-02T05:51:00.000-07:00

I am a bit down today. Usually I take the trigger, 36 hours later I have the IUI, then I take a booster trigger (1 week post first trigger) and some kind of progesterone throughout my 2 week wait.

This IUI they said "No booster trigger" just the progesterone treatment (crinone). My breasts have been tender since the day of the IUI and are usually like that throughout my 2ww, until around 12-13dpiui when they are done being sore, deflate and my period shows up.

Today is only 9dpiui, and walah..no more tenderness. Failure already is what I'm thinking. AND it bums me out. 7 great looking follicles and nothing. Highest E2 levels EVER and nothing. Metformin, Acupuncture, vitamins, injections....

Tested this morning, stark line (obviously)...It's still way early but at least I know the trigger is gone. I've been cramping all morning like AF is going to show up.

I'm feeling emotional about this. I'm so sick and tired of failure. Time will tell.

Polka, Bikers and Crab Cakes

2011-08-29T06:02:00.000-07:00

All is right with the world. Jay-Z and Beyonce have a baby on the way. Can it be my turn now? I mean I know people were praying for them to produce a future star of the music industry, so now that it's been accomplished... I'm just saying. :)

This past weekend was busy and had us running around all over downriver. Friday night marked the beginning of the the end of summer for the Miller clan. The Mt. Carmel festival is one we attend every year no matter what. We get our fill of polish food, blackjack and polka (and a few beers) every year. For Steve it's like a high school reunion. I would instantly say no thanks, but he seems to like running into folks he hasn't seen in awhile.

Saturday we were up early (like 9, which is early for a Saturday) and had to be at Iron Mikes in New Boston to work the Make a Wish Foundation Bike Run. There were around 100 Harley's in the parking lot in all of 10 minutes and Steve and I were running around selling raffle tickets and 50/50. They were at our stop for about 45 min and then like a swarm of bees once we pulled the winning 50/50 ticket they were gone. We went to the next stop in Maybee to meet up with my father in law and Steve's little sister. It was a lot of fun. The day ended at the VFW hall with a pig roast.

Sunday was our friend Chef Jeff's Top Chef competition in Wyandotte. There were 6 restaurants/catering companies competing. It was a pretty windy day on the river, but the sun was shining so it was really nice. Steve and I tried dishes from every table. They were all really good. Jeff made crab cakes that were amazing, and even though he didn't win he still got tons of compliments. Currently he is one of the chefs at RP McMurphy's in Wyandotte. Some of the other dishes I liked were the watermelon and watercress salad from Silver Shores, the pecan sweet potato casserole from TDRR. We left uncomfortably full, came home and watched a scary movie.

Today is 5dpiui. Playing the waiting game. No booster trigger shot this time. They changed up the protocol a bit. Started the Crinone this past Saturday. Praying and hoping and praying some more.

Signs, signs everywhere are signs......

2011-08-22T11:41:00.000-07:00

I always thought that I was wasn't the superstitious type until we had been TTC for awhile. Now I think I see "signs" everywhere. Last IUI I wrote an entire post dedicated to the number 7. I've gone to a fortune teller. I've had my palm read. I look up potential due dates, and think oh the due date would be "this" and that's a good sign! I know it's silly. I know at this point my chances of conceiving with IUI are slim. But I still can't stop hoping. Which is a good thing I suppose.

With that being said. I am triggering tonight. Nurse K called and told me that my e2 level was 1074(HIGHEST EVER!) and I have a potential of 7 follicles ovulating and she had to ask me if I was ok with multiples before I proceed. I said "OH heck yes! Lets get on with this!" My right ovary today had follicles measuring at 21, 18, 16, 14 and my left had a 16 and 2 14's. IUI #8 is scheduled for Wednesday 8/24. <------ it's a sign! haha! But seriously my favorite numbers have always been 2's, 4's and 8's and they seem to show up in my life all the time (birthday, anniversary..that kind of stuff). I even play 4, 8, 24 and 44 on keno all the time! SO IUI number 8 will be on 8/24. Is it good luck this time? Who knows. But I hope so!

I also went to my first acupuncture appt this past Saturday. I'm not sure if it will help this cycle, but either way it was amazing. I felt so wonderful after. Now I just have to do some alterations with my diet since I have a damp spleen. Wish me luck!!

It's MY kind of Town...

2011-08-15T11:57:00.000-07:00

This past weekend we traveled the 4 hours to Chicago to attend the A Family of My Own infertility conference. They were raffling off 2 IVF's to 2 lucky winners. Who did NOT happen to be me (sucky!) But we did learn a lot and made some really great contacts. We loved the holistic/integrated therapy sessions from Beth at Pulling Down the Moon, and we learned a ton about the ART lab procedures and PCOS. Even the free lunch was delish!

Afterwards we drove back to our friend Katie's who graciously put us up for the weekend. Drowned our sorrows for a bit, and then jumped on the train to Union Station. I haven't been on a train in years, it was awesome! Then we hopped on the El and went to Wrigleyville and to Market Days in Boystown. It was super fun. We ate a terrific deep dish pizza. Did some good people watching at Market Days and finished up doing a shot off of a snow ski, then rode the train home.

Today is CD3. I went in for my baseline and everything looks great. We will start stimming tonight with 225iu of Menopur and I'll go back on Friday for bloodwork. Saturday I have my first acupuncture appointment! I'm really excited! Maybe the combination will make IUI #8 successful. One can always hope!

This ain't no Trivial Pursuit

2011-08-10T06:06:00.000-07:00

Us at Niagara

So still no AF. I'm getting impatient here. She should've been here in the last couple days and we all know it's not because I'm preggo. She's just being her stubborn ole self. It could also be because I missed a couple pills in between here and there. But I didn't go way off course. I'm ready to get this show on the road. A few people have asked "Why are you still trying IUI if they haven't worked by now?" There's really a few reasons.

1. Our insurance covers it (YAY!)

2. While doing IUI our medication is also covered (BIG HUGE YAY!) so we're IVF hoarding

3. Dr. M thinks it's totally possible for IUI's to work, its my eggs that need to get in gear.

4. We're still saving for IVF, so we'll keep trying IUI style until we have the moolah.

Steve and I were discussing the IVF and came up with a game plan over this past weekend. We've decided to push it back to Feb/March. He doesn't want to "just" have enough, he wants a little cushion in case we need to do an FET too. I think it's a smart plan. He knows I like to be frugal and have a little extra, so it seems like a good strategy to me. Even though it puts me past my 32nd birthday (NOT COOL!). I agreed, and gotta say it's really nice to have it set, instead of a maybe late this fall. If we've saved enough before then, then we'll talk. But right now come hell or highwater (or hopefully not at all because one of the darned IUI's could work!) we have a February Plan.

DINK's (not by choice)

2011-08-03T10:29:00.000-07:00

I was reading this article about how Steve and I are one of the best demographics to market luxury items to. We are DINK's (Dual Income No Kids). We do get stuff in the mail all the time about vacations and cars. What would be awesome is if we'd get coupons toward fertility treatment. What I'm saying is, I get coupons in the mail for diapers, and free formula cans (which I promptly give away) because I've bought babyshower items at target or because of certain fertility websites I go to have sold my info. If the statistics companies would take a minute and look a little further they'd see we have seen 2 Reproductive doctors in 4 years and we still claim no dependents on our taxes. How about a "FREE BOX OF MENOPUR" coupon, or "$100 off your next Assisted Reproductive Treatment"? Even better "ONE FREE BODY MASSAGE following your next IUI/IVF treatment" That I could use. I don't need a fancy car, or a vacation to Bora Bora to make babies...I need money, time, effort and less stress.

This company in England even started a lottery for IVF. 20 bucks bought your ticket to the lottery to win a "Luxury IVF treatment" However it is now on hold due to reasons no one can talk about. I can't fathom who would want to block this awesomeness. I would probably buy at least 3 tickets.

Today is cycle day something, I'm feeling a bit PMS so I'm guessing AF will be here in about a week. Then we can get the show on the road for IUI #8. I was thinking maybe we could combine Gonal-F & Menopur, but now I'm thinking that might not be a good idea. The Menopur helps me produce fine looking follicles we just don't know whats wrong with them beyond that. Only way to tell would be IVF. I would love to start our IVF this October.

I do hope we have the moolah by then, and some crazy salesperson hasn't sold us a time share in Tahiti with my own private jet plane. Don't get me wrong those things would be lovely, but I want a screaming-crying-pooping-gorgeous piece of us more. :)

Boats, Midcycle, and Waterfalls

2011-07-26T07:11:00.000-07:00

This past weekend Steve decided quite spontaneously that if this was his last weekend before he begins his new job we were going on a long weekend somewhere. I of course quickly jumped at the chance to get away for a couple days and asked my supervisor if it would be ok. After I received the approval I looked on priceline at a couple of places that could be easy, quick jaunts for us. We settled on Niagara Falls.

It was lovely. We drove up Thursday morning and home by Saturday evening. Steve is not an R&R kind of vacation person. He is a GO & DO. Once we had decided where we were going he got into planning mode and downloaded the Niagara Falls app to his ipad. We visited and rode everything Niagara had to offer. My favorite was the jet boat. We rode Class 5 rapids and it was amazing. We also walked behind the falls, rode the Aerocar & the Maid of the Mist, we visited the Butterfly Conservatory, the American side of the falls and rode the giant ferris wheel on Clifton Hill (which was perfectly timed with the Friday night fireworks show). I have tons of pictures I haven't had time to upload yet. But we were thoroughly exhausted from our "vacation" when we returned home on Saturday night.

Also while we were there we went a little off the beaten path and visited a Buddhist temple. We kind of communicated with one of the ladies at the Temple (very hard as her English was limited and our Chinese is non-existant) and she gave us a few little trinkets and I bought a little fertility statue who I believe the name for was Guanyin Pusa. She's on the farthest left of the image. Either way she now sits next to my angel.

This weekend is girls weekend in Irish Hills. I'm excited!! Summer fun with the ladies sitting around relaxing and floating in the lake! This is definitely going to be some R&R time to get ready for next cycle.

It's kind of nice to not be paying attention to what cycle day it is, and it's giving my belly a break from the injections. But I'm ready to begin IUI #8 in August. Now it's all basically up to me. I can keep doing these IUI's as many times as I want until we're ready for IVF. It was kind of funny when Nurse K asked me "So what do you want to do for this next cycle?" I didn't realize I'm at the point where I'm calling all the shots. I guess I know my body best, but it hasn't gotten me pregnant to date so I thought they might want to change things up. It's kind of concerning they aren't making suggestions or the doctor isn't researching other medications that might improve my outcome. It's basically up to me what I want to do and how. I'm thinking maybe a combo of Menopur & Gonal-F? But I don't even know if that would help. I'm producing follicles and releasing. Their quality just must be total crap because we do everything else required (and Steve's guys are always super). I just wish I had a definitive answer as to why this just isn't working. I guess we've tackled the science part, but the miracle part is still in the waiting room.

Frozen Lemonade is the new Iced Capp

2011-07-19T10:25:00.000-07:00

Thanks for all the thoughts. I'm feeling better(ish) now. Today is CD3 and I'm ready to get over the loss of "lucky" IUI #7 and move on. This is a break cycle for me. Not because I had any cysts, but because I needed an emotional break.

I wish TLC would do a show about us instead of all the darn baby shows. I mean I like success stories as much as the rest but sometimes I need to see and hear real situations. I know they have that vlog thing, but I think it needs to be much more out in the open. If infertility affects so many of us like they say (1 in 3 couples) then WHY does no one talk about it. I'm pretty sure 1 in 3 people like McDonald's french fries and we hear their stupid commercials all day long. Marriage rate has decreased by over 10 percent, but there are tons of silly shows about weddings.

Anywho...I'm looking forward to spending time with Steve and going on girls weekend next weekend. Irish Hills and Margarita's here I come!

Tears

2011-07-16T13:10:00.000-07:00

I went for my beta this morning and started spotting as soon as I got home. It was of course negative. Seeing the hearbreak on Steve's face was the worst thing ever. I can't help but feel at fault and I can't fix it. I feel utterly helpless. He is the best man I know. I want so much for us to have a family and this helplessness is crippling. Especially on days like today.

I am taking this next cycle off and going on an alcohol filled girls weekend in Irish Hills. I need to recoup. Scratch that WE need to recoup.

I think this is the first time in a long time I've seen him not be strong for me and just hold me and be as sad as I am. Lots of tears today. Tomorrow is a new day.

Nothing clever for the title

2011-07-15T10:23:00.000-07:00

Today is 16dpiui. I woke up to startling cramps this morning at 4:30am and thought "shit, AF is totally here" I lay in bed for about 20 minutes putting off the inevitable and finally got up and went to the bathroom, only to see nothing. NOTHING. She's still not here.

Today I had decided that if she did not arrive that I would call the doctor and ask for a BETA. I didn't call right away. I was afraid if I called that somehow I would be jinxed and my period would show up. Melodi had convinced me by lunch to call. So I am going in for a BETA tomorrow at 8:30. PLEASE SAY PRAYERS!

In the midst of my haze at 4:30am I forgot to test. So it could really go either way tomorrow.

Either way, limbo will be over tomorrow. I'm nervous.

No Paddles

2011-07-14T10:19:00.000-07:00

During my life as an infertile things that really shouldn't become a household norm, do. Things like early AM bloodwork appointments, more medication in the fridge than food, eating certain things, having sex at certain times. This has become the background to my daily life. I know automatically what 9 months from my ovulation date would be. I order extra medication so I have enough to begin the next cycle before I know if that cycle has failed or not. AND let's face it. The "failed cycles" are dominating 100%. I'm realistic and practical. I plan when I can do certain things pertaining to future treatments that have not happened yet. The numbness I feel on a cycle day 1 in normal. Don't get me wrong there is that initial sting and hurt and anger and jealousy of others, but I pick myself up and move on. What really bothers me is the feeling of LIMBO. Which is where I am right now. Today is 15dpiui. I did not test today to save my sanity. Yesterday was a BFN, and I am assuming that the crinone is delaying the inevitable, however, AF seems to be missing. I have made it to 15dpiui before, heck even 16 once. So here I am, limbo land without a paddle to steer me to either side.

I received a beautiful gift from a fellow infertility sister and friend, Julie, in the mail yesterday. She received the same gift from a friend, and I think I'm going to keep paying it forward. She sent me the Willow Tree Angel of Hope. It totally made my day. It did give me hope. Yesterday's negative test had me in a mood and my spirits were lifted by such a thoughtful gift.

So here I sit, in a boat with no paddles, but an angel by my side, waiting.

There's a fire starting in my heart....

2011-07-12T05:19:00.000-07:00

I did it to myself. I always do. I don't know why I tested early. I thought I had gotten over that and was smarter than that. Saturday & Sunday I tested and it was positive. I got a little excited, then rethought it could be leftover trigger. I was right. Yesterday the line was barely visible and today one stark line staring back at me. And the crappy thing is I had finally let myself think this time would be different. I had done everything right and it had worked. But I was wrong. My period hasn't showed up yet, but it might as well. My hope has deflated. I am deflated.

If it walks, talks and acts like a duck....

2011-07-08T11:47:00.000-07:00

It's probably side effects. AARRGGHHH! (can you just feel my frustration!?! well and I totally bawled during Nanny McPhee 2 last night so I just KNOW my hormones are all wacky!)

I'm sitting over here going totally nuts. NUTS! My "side effects" dwindle and pick back up throughout the day. I have no idea what to think and I'm over analyzing everything! I just don't know how to handle these feelings. I think it's from the crinone gel, however, it could be from the trigger shot...BUT it could be something else (would be happily ecstatic if it was that something else). It's only 9dpiui. Too early to tell anything. I'd happily lounge away the next several days if my bladder wasn't about to explode every 20 minutes!

Woodhaven's Uncle Sam Jam is this weekend. My friend and I are going to walk over there and get some awfully bad for you, yet tastes wonderfully food. Maybe see a terrible 90's band and then walk back for the fireworks.

PS Don't let my impatience about this 2ww fool you. I believe that 3 years 8 months, and 40 some odd failed cycles would show I have been patient enough.

PPS Please Lord, let this craziness that has become my body turn into a miracle next week!

And on the 7th day....

2011-07-06T05:26:00.001-07:00

Trying to keep in line with the lucky 7's, today is 7 days past IUI #7. I would mention that I'm peeing all night long and my breasts are killing me, I'm crampy and I'm eating everything in sight, and you would say "Ooooooo! This sounds like early pregnancy" and I would scoff and say the crinone gel I take each morning also has the same side effects. Which kinds of stinks, although effectively keeps me from googling/stalking "early pregnancy symptoms at 7dpiui." I've built myself up to 2 pills of Metformin a day without (KNOCK ON WOOD) any of the intestinal distress they said could happen. I actually haven't noticed a difference with that medication, maybe the crinone is overriding anything else in the symptoms watch. If we, by the grace of God, make it one more week I will test. My hopes are up! But I'm keeping myself grounded. There's no reason this time should be different than all the rest. But I sure hope it is.

The holiday weekend was pretty fantastic. The symphony was awesome! I didn't go swimming (Can I swim while taking a progesterone supp in the mornings??) but I laid on the beach with my mom. We snacked (well I snacked, per the eating everything in sight mentioned above) and painted each others nails. It was nice. Monday we had friends over for a BBQ and fireworks. We even had a fire in our new firepit for the 1st time.

Stars & Stripes

2011-06-30T07:24:00.000-07:00

IUI #7 went very well. It was a little more uncomfortable that usual, but Nurse K said this was the best cycle yet (hopes are UP!). My estradiol levels were the highest I've ever had them be at 810. She also said my cervix was text book ovulation mode. So here's to hoping AGAIN.

The number 7 is said to be LUCKY. It's also said to be the most magical and religious number. The number 7 is all over the place! There are 7 cosmic stages, 7 heavens and 7 hells, 7 pillars of wisdom, 7 rainbow colors. In Buddhism 7 is the number of attaining the Center, in Chinese there are 7 fairies, and the Bible mentions 7 circuits of Jericho. The Egyptians knew 7 daughters of Ra. The Greek Pan had 7 pipes, even 7 red stripes on the American flag.

I'm just hoping this number 7 is lucky for us too!

This weekend Steve and I are going to the 19th Salute to America at Greenfield Village to see the Detroit Symphony Orchestra. I'm very excited! They will be playing to fireworks and there will be food and games. It should be a really good time.

Monday we are BBQ'ing with some friends in our newly landscaped backyard! I can't wait to have a fire in my new firepit!

The wonderful thing about Triggers...

2011-06-27T12:21:00.000-07:00

Menopur is the miracle grow drug for me it seems (at least this month) today is CD10 and I am triggering tonight for IUI #7 on Wednesday the 29th. My ultrasound yesterday showed I already had a follie at 19mm! Which is amazing for my body to produce so early. My E2 level is an 810 (which if I think back correctly is the highest I've ever hit, even with the cancelled 17 measurable follicle cycle). I'm also starting Metformin tonight to help combat the PCOS. I've read several articles on how it could be the "miracle drug" we'll see. I hope my stomach is up for the challenge because I also read it can have some pretty upsetting side effects. Saturday I'm starting a progesterone gel called crinone. Sounds messy, but I'm gonna do everything I can!

Over the weekend we went to Sugar Island! It was super fun. I am VERY sunburned. People keep doing double takes at me while passing my desk and wincing. It doesn't hurt as bad as it looks, but I could use some aloe right about now (even my legs got burned!)

Steve starts his last rotation before beginning mechanical apprenticeship school on the 25th of July tomorrow. I'm so very proud of him!

My wonderful husband enjoying the sunshine at Sugar Island.

Elastigirl only without the sweet superhero outfit...

2011-06-22T06:04:00.000-07:00

I have bounced back from the dredges which is CYCLE DAY 1 (eeee gads!) and have moved on to a more stable area that is cycle day 5. I obligingly went in for CD3 baseline monitoring completely expecting to have to be put back on birth control. I mean 4 good follicles, amazing sperm, and none of it got me knocked up, there's gotta be something left over in the way of cysts per the usual protocol. I was pleasantly surprised to hear that my ovaries are clear for take off. So we started stimming for IUI #7 Monday night. Same protocol. Menopur and lots of it. Back on Friday for bloodwork to see check if they're growing. I'm thinking about back to back IUI's again. We've done it once before, of course it ended in failure, but they keep suggesting it, so maybe we'll try it again.

Also (earmuffs for all you fertiles out there that read this and are not interested the goings-on of the nether areas) I'm wondering if EWCM (egg white cervical mucous)is any kind of indicator of my body doing it's job. The last time I had it (and the 2nd time EVER!)was August of last year.. I felt it was my best month to date for success but I had to go out of town on business and we did the IUI only 14hrs post trigger. Does it even matter as this point if I get it or not? I mean we're kind of skipping the need for it with the IUI anyhow. Any thoughts?

Also in other news my yard is in the process of being ripped out and turned into something gorgeous! Finally a Miller Oasis. I'm very excited about what the finished product will turn out to be. I've taken the before pics and in a few days will take after pics. I'm going to try to do a post of them side by side to show the difference.

Oooh also I'm going to Sugar Island for my first time this weekend and I'm going to beach a melon, which is a Miller Family Tradition which I haven't had the opportunity to be a part of yet! I'm excited!!

Rock and Roll Hootchy Coo...

2011-06-20T05:25:00.000-07:00

Welp, as I predicted with the lack of symptoms, IUI #6 was a huge fail. AF showed her ugly head a full 4 days early on CD 25. I was pretty upset. I cried a bit. I'm not sure why I was so hopeful this cycle to upset me so much, but anyhow, it's now CD3 and I went in for monitoring this morning. NO cysts! Which is great and a first! We'll be able to start the injections for IUI #7 right away.

I'm looking forward to the weekend. We're going out on my father-in-law's boat to Sugar Island. My first time!!

Out with the bikini....

2011-06-16T07:29:00.000-07:00

in with the tankini.....

I have always been an average size (not in height, as I am 6 feet tall) but in clothes. Since beginning to try to have a baby, and all the hormones being pumped into my body (I will not blame my diet!! oh no I will not!) I have gained weight and not in the good areas. My stomach is bloated from hormone injections for most of the month. I actually seem to lose some of the bloat when AF shows her ugly face! With that being said, and me not being happy with my tummy..and it being summer and all. I went out and bought a tankini. It's cute. I like it. But I'm still a little bummed. I'm not keeping bikini's out of the equation all together, but if I'm feeling particularly paunchy..it's tankini time!

Today is 11dpiui. No symptoms to speak of. I'm trying to stay very Zen this cycle. Trying not to go overboard with my google searches of women on their 6th IUI/symptoms at 9dpiui/IUI success stories. I'm also praying a Novena to St. Anne. All I have left is faith and hope. We've done everything possible this cycle. Prayer is my companion these last few days. I've been listening to music I would listen to at Yoga to keep myself relaxed.

Next month I've taking Steve to see The Henry Ford's Salute to America He's going to love it. He has wanted to see the Detroit Symphony Orchestra for as long as I can remember (they were on strike last season) and combine it with Fireworks (have I told you my dear husband belongs to a firework club? Yep, he does) and it's the best of both worlds! I'm super excited. It's at Greenfield Village and to my knowledge I'm not sure if I have ever been there. If I have I don't remember and it was a very very long time ago.

Please pray that Father's Day is an especially good one!

Support Command

2011-06-10T06:26:00.000-07:00

Well today marks 5dpiui. I have no feelings on it other than I'm hopeful, but trying not to concentrate or make any plans for success. I'm just praying and waiting. Which is TAKING FOOOORRREEEVVVER. Two week waits always drag on. I wish it was only like a 2 day wait, that is much more tolerable. I have no symptoms of any kind. I don't trust my body anymore to think that some small thing could/maybe be anything resembling a "symptom" anyhow. The only definitive answer is to pee on something or a blood test.

I have decided to test on Father's Day. I only have 1 test in the house, so I can't get all crazy and test early. Plus I can usually tell if it didn't work about 12-13dpiui.

Regarding my last post, I did write her and tell her how I was feeling. She apologized, made some lame excuse how she couldn't afford to buy anything (AT A GARAGE SALE?!?! I had things priced for only a quarter!) or donate. I explained that I didn't care about that but just wanted her support. Then her bff decided to involve herself and start some draaama. I carefully explained how I felt. The emails ended amicably. Then yesterday I see that the same stepsister is attending another fundraiser event for the same person that is a $12 a person ticketed event. Don't get me wrong, I love that the sick person she is helping is receiving so much support. I just had to be selfish and save my hurt feelings, so I deleted her off my facebook and her bff. I actually had to block her bff because she was posting vague statuses regarding my emails when she was the one that specifically stated to keep them between us (so immature really). This woman is 36 YEARS OLD! I was done with the 36 going on 16, and cut it out all together. And today, I'm feeling much lighter and happy about my decision.

VENT-ilator

2011-06-07T08:26:00.000-07:00

Sorry this will be a bit of a venting post. I am just a little upset, and I shouldn't let it bother me but it is. My awesomely wonderful sister Rachael would tell me to let it go and don't worry/fret about it. But it bothers me. I will not go into to many details as this is a public blog and I do want to protect some right to privacy.

I have a person in my life who over the last several months (if not years) has continued to disappoint me over and over. I'm thinking it's time to just cut my losses and move on, but at the same time I really want this person to know how bad they've hurt my feelings. She has been my stepsister for 19 years, and at one point in time I had thought we had bonded. Over the last few months circumstances has presented themselves for her to be more present in not just my life but the rest of our family too. She let me down once with a super lame excuse and I let her know that it bothered me. In fact I kind of went off on her and hung up the phone. I'm not proud of that, but I was stressed and frustrated and felt abandoned by her. I quickly apologized, but she's never felt my wrath before so I'm sure it took her by surprise.

Now here is my second injury. She had stated that she was going to attend my IVF fundraiser. I said "Great you'll finally get to see my house!" (which is about 3 miles from her, and we've lived here 3 years already and she's never once came by, even after SEVERAL invitations) She never showed or called. I wasn't too surprised. I wrote it off. No biggie, right?! But then, to add insult to injury, I see on her facebook yesterday how involved she was in another fundraiser just this past weekend and what a huge help she was! To me this seems like a slap in the face! She couldn't even bother to attend mine yet, she helped someone else SO much! We are supposed to be FAMILY.

I'm hurt. I should be used to this by now. But hurt feelings are hurt feelings and I can't help it.

Our Bazillionith 2 Week Wait

2011-06-06T08:16:00.000-07:00

Here we are in another OFFICIAL 2 week wait!! All the stimming went wonderfully and according to my wonderful Nurse K it looks like we had 4 "nice and plump" follicles ready for the IUI yesterday! My estrogen (estradiol, e2..whatever you call it) went up and up and then we decreased the Menopur and then the levels went down. I was a bit concerned with the decrease in levels, but the nurse assured me this was the plan since we decreased the medication. I triggered Friday (with my biggest follicle an 18, followed up by a 15, 2 14's, 2 13's, 12, 10) By Sunday the big ones should've been a 22, 19, 18, 18 (if they grew their expected 2mm a day). Steve the Superman also had an increase in his levels too. I didn't think excellent could become awesome, but it did! It went perfectly, not too much cramping. Nurse K did the procedure (Nurse C has done all 4 of the other inseminations at this office) maybe she'll be the lucky nurse! I sure hope so.

I'm optimistic, but I don't have blinders on. I know in all rationality the chances are the same as always. However, I can't help but be hopeful. My faith and hope are all I have at this point. There is nothing more we can do to help this be a success.

I am drinking my pineapple juice (to help with implantation!)
We sent in "reinforcements" as required by the doctor

As a last thought, 14dpiui is Father's Day. It should be an accurate time to test, and it would be a great awesome thing if it was positive to be able to share that with Steve. Would you test, or wait it out?

Also my special Auntie/Niece weekend was great! Hannah & I had a great time at camp. We came home Saturday night (they said because of the thunderstorms, that never came, but I think it was the MOSQUITOES! they were crazy!!!). Since we came home a night early I just kept Hannah with me and Steve and I took her to see X-men and we ate 5 Guys! I'm pretty sure she loved it!

Flies in the Lemonade

2011-06-01T04:59:00.000-07:00

I'm so sorry I haven't written in awhile. At first I was had writers block, then it seemed as if anything I had to write about wasn't important enough, and then I got sick and enough of the excuses I'm sorry.

So the IVF Sale went amazing! We raised around $1,500 dollars in sales and cash donations. The weather was terrific. We had tons and tons of help! It was great! We still have tons of stuff in the garage but alas the garage door is broken so we can't get it out! ***I miss my parking space :(

Last weekend was our first camping trip up north! Steve and I sharing a tent has never happened...I'm not really sure why, but in 7 years we've never done it. We had a really good time. We went to AJ's uncle's property in Rose Lake Forest, it was beautiful. We took the ipad and did a little exploring of the small lakes that were up there. Steve caught like a zillion fish, I caught one. We drank, ate and were merry with our Kalamazoo friends and some Wyandotte friends too. It was nice. Although everyone brought their puppies and I didn't think it would be Beast's bag, so we took him to the puppy spa. In retrospect he probably would've been fine, but he came home clean and smelling nice so it's a win win.

We're back stimming for IUI #6. I've done 5 days of Menopur. My estradiol levels yesterday on CD7 were a whopping 269! But after today's ultrasound showing my biggest follicle only a 13 we're definitely not ready to trigger yet. I'm just hoping my monitoring for this cycle doesn't impede my camping trip with Hannah this weekend. I'm so excited to go with her and her girl scout troop! It's gonna be great!

Everything's coming up roses....

2011-05-10T06:34:00.000-07:00

I've been so busy getting ready for our Fundraiser that I have no idea what cycle day it is (that's a first in awhile)! I can tell you this is just as difficult as planning a wedding in 5 weeks. Only much dustier! I'm exhausted physically and mentally from planning times to pick up donations, to moving things around in my crowded garage. I don't think I'll ever want to do a garage sale ever again. Seriously. It's hard work. I have a PATH through the stuff to get out of the garage and to my car to leave for work. Garage sales I think are much easier on the person who's house isn't attached to the garage. I still need tables to put stuff on and I need to go through the clothing that's been donated. I am so grateful to everyone that has donated I'm just feeling overwhelmed. With less than 2 weeks to go I know it will come together, I'm just having a hard time envisioning the "finished product"

April is coming over tonight to help me sort some stuff and is bringing some much needed table space and a garment rack I'm so desperate for! We're also going to try to make buttons for the "team members." I really wanted to do tshirts, but they were too expensive. Everyone who is helping the days of the sale will get a button so shoppers can ask them questions and so forth. We'll be having baked goods, hotdogs, soda/water to sell also.

We have already raised $378 of our $14,000 goal without even having our first fundraiser yet! AND we are already in talks of our second fundraiser to happen sometime this summer. IVF Hold 'Em Party. Poker Party for all the guys (and gals who want to play)! I think it will turn out pretty fun.

But before we do that we'll be taking a much needed extended weekend camping with some of our best friends. I'm am so ready for campfires, kayaking and cocktails! Then I'm off to another camping trip with my niece, Hannah, and her girlscout troop. Me and a bunch of 9-10 year olds! I know it's gonna be super fun! Praying the weather is terrific!

Sunday, Sunday, Sunday........

2011-05-05T09:13:00.000-07:00

So I found out yesterday that while I actually made a follicle all on my own (hurray!) I didn't ovulate and release and it has turned into a 34mm cyst. Which means another 3 weeks to wait while I take a regiment of birth control to get rid of the cyst. Which means no May IUI..and another cycle wasted. And also probably means I'll be on AF while camping, and then on injections the following weekend of more camping. ugh!

Sunday is Mother's Day. I adore my Mom and my sister, but I feel left out. This will be my 4th Mother's day of TTC with still empty arms. Faith posted the following poem on her blog and I just had to repost over here because it says exactly what I'm feeling:

“Happy Mother's Day”

it comes around every year;
but when you have empty arms,
it's very hard to hear.

It's a day to celebrate a mother;
for all the trials she overcame;
and a reminder to an infertile
of her loneliness and shame.

But what really makes a mother,
Is it just conception and birth?
Or is there something more,
that shows a mother's worth?

It's putting your child first,
in everything you do;
it's sacrifice and determination,
and love and patience too.

An infertile woman makes all her plans,
around a child not yet conceived;
she loves them even though they aren't here,
more than she ever could have believed.

She appreciates and understands,
what a blessing that children are;
she works hard for just a chance,
that motherhood is not that far.

All odds are stacked against her,
and yet she still has hope;
everyday is another struggle,
finding ways to help her cope.

So even though her arms are empty,
she can still be a mother too;
So say a special “Happy Mother's Day”
for those waiting for their dreams to come true!

By Rachel Holden
http://forum.baby-gaga.com/about599768.html

A to Z of TTC.....another fun thing while I am still waiting (patiently) to get going or not on IUI #6

2011-05-04T07:09:00.000-07:00

Jumping on the bandwagon here. . . . the A to Z of TTC

A. Age when you started TTC: 27

B. Baby Dancing or Sex: Sex.

C. Children wanted: what ever we are blessed with

D. Dogs/Cats/Fill in Children: Beast of PUG the omni-fur-ous.

E. Essential Oils/Vitamins/Snake Oils: Flintstones (2 a day, prenatals give me a metal taste in my mouth)

F. Fertility Meds I’ve taken: Clomid, Ovidrel, Femara, Gonal-F, Menopur

G. Gain: I weigh about the same today as I did before we started TTC

H. HSG (Hystosalpingogram): had one in June of 08, identified as a subseptate uterus, removed 7/09

I. Infertile Pet Peeves: The advice people give you instead of just listening to you vent.

J. Job title: Social Worker

K. Kids' names you’re afraid will be taken by the time you can use them: Norah *already has but not by someone super close* Evan, Jonah, Emilia, Rebekah, David (I like all kinds of names)

L. Length of time TTC: 3.5 years

M. Miscarriages: zilch

N. Number of times you’ve switched OB/GYNS, REs, FSs: 2 OB/Gyn's & 2 RE's

O. Ovarian quality: Poor, they either produce or they dont. I never ovulate on my own. They are polycystic in nature, so the eggs are probably bad too. This is the source of all that is keeping us from a bfp I think.

P. POAS or wait for AF: Sometimes I cave and poas, but not usually. I know my body pretty well.

Q. Quote from an obnoxious fertile: "Stand on your head after sex" "Just relax" "Stop trying" "Just adopt"....I could go ON & ON..

R. RE, OB/Gyn or other? RE

S. Sperm: Superman Steve

T. Time you tried naturally: from Nov 07 thru May 08

U. Uterus quality: Perfecto now that the septum has been removed and the small amount of endo was ablated.

V. Vagina: Normal

W. What baby stuff do you already have? A crib (hand-me-down from my sister) staring at me everytime I do laundry. A fishy night lamp I couldn't resist at a garage sale.

X. X-tra X-tra Hear all about it! How many people know the ins and outs of our crazy TTC journey? Everyone who reads this blog. My mom & sister. A couple coworkers. My in-laws when they ask.

Y. Yearly Exam (do you still go in even though someone sees your lady parts most months?): yes

Z. Zits: rarely

Silly me! Natural conception...what's that?!

2011-04-25T10:57:00.000-07:00

For goodness sakes! I have NO idea why my hopes were elevated this cycle. We weren't on any form of ovulation medication, we weren't seeing the doctor 1-3 times a week, and my hopes of becoming pregnant were still there. Honestly, I think I have a problem. If the doctor can't even get me pregnant (Here we go! Gearing up for IUI #6, NUMBER SIX, ugh!), why would I think it could happen au-natural! Bah!

The hope section of my brain has a problem. I have hope about my own hope-ness, does that even make sense? For example, when my mom was in the hospital a little over a week ago I decided to call my STEP-sister to let her know what's going on. She said she would probably go up there about noon. Only to find out she didn't hours later, and never even called. My brain thinks "This is the only mother-figure you've had for the last 18 years. She'll follow through" and then I'm just disappointed in the end. I didn't think our family unit ended when her Dad, my John died, but I guess I was wrong. She felt it to be more important to fill Easter eggs at her son's school than visit my mother. Albeit, it wasn't a life threatening issue, it was the fact that she said she was going to go up there. I have to admit, I was more than a little upset with her and let her know so. I think my hope was there because at some point in the past I thought we had maybe bonded as family. I guess I was wrong. This is the same STEP-sister I've invited to my home several times and she's never once came by. I quit inviting her long ago. People, like her, disappoint me all the time and then I only get mad at myself for thinking it'll be different this time. At least my dear husband is there to vindicate my anger, hold me when I'm crying and help me to feel better in the end.

To make a long story short. This is another failed cycle, I wouldn't even really call it a cycle since I didn't ovulate (NOT EVEN CLOSE). On to prometrium to get this party started.

But what do May flowers bring?

2011-04-20T06:31:00.000-07:00

Hopefully lots of shoppers to our garage sale! We've received several donations and have already even made a little bit of money too! I wish I knew a better word for overwhelmed, but it's exactly how I feel. I'm overwhelmed by the support people are showing for us. I'm overwhelmed by the gifts not just donations we have received. Not just monetary, but offering time and resources to help us make our dream come true.

I also hope May brings an easy IUI cycle with lots of mature eggs (good quality too and maybe,just maybe a positive test) Just because we've become realistic about our chances with IUI working (maybe less than 5% at this point), doesn't mean we don't have hope that it couldn't. Dr. M said it's really up to my body. We're doing everything the right way, now my body needs to make a good quality egg and release it and we could have "GO" time. But as most of us infertiles know, it's not that simple. In fact it's not "simple" at all.

Not sure if anyone else does this and it must mean I'm still hopeful at least deep down. But when Steve and I watch something on TV or go to the movies, or when I'm at the school for my yoga class I always look at the first names of people and decide which ones I would like for "future children." It's a habit. I can't help myself. Do any of you do this? So yesterday we watched the 1st episode of Crown of Thorns that we had recorded on the DVR and there was an actor with the first name of "Emilia" and I thought that was such a pretty name/way to spell it. Then my mind instantly flipped to I would nickname her "Lia"....eh, one can hope that I'll be able to one day use one of these "ideas" someday...

There's lots of things coming up in the next month or so, baby showers (yuck!), wedding showers (ok!), concerts (hurray!) and camping (oh my!)...lots of good memories and stories to share to come.

Me from A-Z

2011-04-18T07:02:00.001-07:00

Since we're in a month off I don't have much to talk about in the TTC world. We've received some really AWESOME donations so far and have already made $108!! My awesome sister bought me a beautiful necklace to "keep the faith" in our journey to becoming parents. I was so touched. My sister rocks!

To change things up I thought I'd do something fun Feel free to steal it if you want!

A. Age: 31. Yikes.

B. Bed size: Queen. We had to downsize from our California King when we bought the house. AND BOY do Steve and I miss that bed!

C. Chore you dislike: L.A.U.N.D.R.Y!!!!!!! (it's a 4 letter word in my house lol!)

D. Dogs: Our puggers Beast. He's my snuggle puppy when Steve is working at night.

E. Essential start to your day: Brushing my teeth. I also floss alot. I keep a whole thing of floss in my purse for emergencies!

F. Favorite color: blue. I especially like cobalt blues

G. Gold or silver: Silver. I'm not a yellow gold fan. My wedding rings are white gold so I coordinate with that.

H. Height: 6 feet. (but I might have shrunk, the last time the doctor told me I was 5' 11 1/2")

I. Instruments you play(ed): I played the clarinet for YEARS. I also like to dabble on my guitar.

J. Job title: Eligibility Specialist (I'm give people food and medical benefits for the State)

K. Kids: None YET!

L. Live: in our house in Woodhaven. We like it!

M. Mom’s name: Helen...although she thinks it's an old lady name, I like it!

N. Nicknames: Sadie. (an old boyfriend gave it to me and it kinda stuck) My friend Pril still calls me Sadie. Sometimes it's easier since when there is more than one Sarah around. When I leave things around the house Steve calls them "sadie piles"

O. Overnight hospital stays: Not since high school. Thank goodness!

P. Pet peeves: Rude drivers and caps being left off things (ahem, ahem STEVE!)

Q. Quote from a movie: I love so many movies Steve and I quote movies all the time. The first thing that popped into my brain when I read this was "Don't step on the monats" from Alice in Wonderland

R. Righty or lefty: Lefty...Steve is a righty

S. Siblings: the most awesome person I know, my sister Rachael! She is a genuinely good person and a terrific mom. We don't resemble each other (maybe a little tiny bit), so I always take it as a compliment when people notice we're related! And my awesome sisters in law Sarah & Shelby. We're all very close.

T. Time you wake up: about quarter to 7 typically.

U. Underwear: This is silly! I'll just say Steve wishes some of them were cuter, but I go for comfort.

V. Vegetables you don’t like: raw Cucumbers. They don't taste good to me and they make me burp all afternoon if I eat one.

W.What makes you run late: usually traffic or Steve. I hate being late. Oops I guess I should've added that up there under pet peeves too! :)

X. X-rays you’ve had: tons! I couldn't name them all.

Y. Yummy food you make: Hmmm, I've really been into cooking lately. Steve loves loves loves my cookie bars. But a few weeks ago I made stuffed Cornish hens that he still can't stop talking about.

Z. Zoo animal favorites: Penguins & Buffalo. The bison is our "miller mascot" I have a small stuffed one that goes with us every trip we take.

Outpouring of Love...

2011-04-13T08:11:00.000-07:00

I am extremely excited and nervous about how this fundraising event is going to go. I really want it to be successful and have no idea how to make that happen. I have received such a great response on facebook of people wanting to donate and I am a bit overwhelmed on how to organize the rest.

First on my list is to begin a spreadsheet so I may send out thank you notes to those that donate/volunteer their time.

Second is to hope we receive lots of items that will sell.

Third to PRAY PRAY & PRAY SOME MORE for the weather to cooperate with us, that maybe our next IUI (IUI #6, will be in May probably the week of the sale) will work and this will all be for naught, and hope people will show up!

I spoke with my friend Melissa yesterday and while talking it over with her I have kind of organized how things will work in my head. Not to mention she has some pretty great items to donate! I also don't think my car will fit in the garage for much longer! We've already received a few items, along with promises of lots of baked goods and desserts from my in-laws and close neighbors.

With all that said it's gearing up to be a pretty successful sale! I am going to make posters and will make a special one to put out front listing the whys and a little history about us (probably will be the background part of the posting below).

I am really hoping that one of these last 2 IUI's will work...but I am grateful to everyone who is helping us to realize if it doesn't we have help to raise the money for IVF.

IVF Fundraiser Garage Sale

2011-04-05T05:40:00.000-07:00

IT'S ALL HAPPENING!

MILLER IVF GARAGE SALE
May 21st & 22nd 9am-4pm

A LITTLE BACKGROUND:

For the last 3 years Steve and I have been trying to get pregnant with no success. After a year of being unsuccessful we started to seek medical attention to see if we could find a cause. We went through multiple tests and I have since been diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, had uterine surgery and several failed attempts of intrauterine insemination with injectable medications.

Steve and I really want to have children of our own and with this diagnosis our best shot to have a baby is through In Vitro Fertilization (IVF). Because Steve and I have been trying to conceive for over 3 years our odds are less than 10% and that was before we found out about the PCOS which lowers our chances even more. IVF gives us a 60-65% chance of getting pregnant and we feel this is our best option.

THE EVENT:

This is where we need your help. Our insurance covers no portion of the cost of IVF and just one try can cost around $14,000. We are asking for donations from you, our family and friends, of any unwanted saleable items. We will be selling our items, along with any donated items, at our home during the Woodhaven City Wide Garage May 21st & 22nd from 9am-4pm.

Please contact me for any items you would like to donate!!!

We are very excited about this next step in our lives and thank you in advance for your support as we go through this.

Thanks

Steve & Sarah Miller

Spring Awakening

2011-04-04T07:02:00.000-07:00

Well April showers have hit southeastern Michigan and my daffodils are sprouting rather nicely. It's been a pretty chilly spring so far, but it's Michigan and that could always change ten minutes from now.

We had a lovely weekend. Steve and I went to visit our friends in Kalamazoo and we splurged on a hotel room so we could go swimming. We went and did all sorts of art-hoppy stuff and drank copious amounts of free wine (because we're not doing IUI this month so I can) I bought a ceramic berry bowl, and a new pair of boots. We bought some great prints from our good friend and photographer AJ Check out her website. Her pictures are amazing.

Steve at the Art Hop

Facebook is the devil. As AJ puts it "It's make everyone seem ten times cooler than they actually are." But it's the devil that I can't stop logging into. It's the devil in which my inadequacies with being able to conceive are reaffirmed almost daily. There is a pregnancy announcement at least once a week and I don't have thousands of "friends". I have an average amount of which I actually know. Two that were announced hit me especially hard this past week.

The reason they are bothering me more than the usual is because both of them are in their second pregnancies and we've been trying since before they were pregnant for the first time. (ONE IS EVEN PREGNANT NATURALLY WITH TWINS!) It feels kind of like a slap in the face. Not only have these women conceived, successfully given birth, but they have now conceived AGAIN in the time frame Steve and I have been trying for just one shot at being parents! It's completely frustrating, and I feel like a failure all over again. I am not blaming them (who can, I don't think either of them even know our TTC history anyway). I'm just jealous and I really don't like the feeling.

In other news I have come up with an IVF fundraising idea and it should help bring in the money to go into the "Miller Baby Fund". I am going to have an IVF Garage Sale. Our city is having their "city-wide" garage sale on May 21st and it's only $5 to get your address added to the garage sale map! I am thinking of asking friends and family to donate their gently used and unwanted items to the cause. This will be our first "in real life" coming out about our struggle to conceive event and it makes me slightly nervous. I'm hoping we will have some good items to sell. Wish me luck!

And the cheese stands alone.......

2011-03-28T05:25:00.000-07:00

IUI #5 is a fail. By Saturday I knew it hadn't worked as my "symptoms" were slowly going away, being replaced with the familiar signs of failure. AND this Lovely Morning she came with avengence to greet me. I am so tired of failure. There is nothing more that we could've done. I mean, my God, I even had fertile mucous people!!

What is the matter with my eggs? Why won't they fertilize? It's like I'm shooting blanks or something. I have altered my lifestyle so much to accommodate a "maybe baby" and it still hasn't worked. No pop, no alcohol, no smoking, no non-organic meat and dairy, no caffeine. I go to Yoga weekly. I exercise on a regular basis. I follow the doctor's orders. I inject myself for 10 days out of the month. I pay $3 to park 2-3 times a week to have a vaginal ultrasound done and bloodwork. I look like a junkie by mid month and it has all been for nothing. Not even an inkling of hope that my body might listen to all the drugs I'm putting into it and help me out by implanting a nice little embryo.

Cycle Day 1's are the worst. 41 failed cycles. I think I'm going to take April off of treatment. I think I might need to be Sarah for a few weeks before going back to Sarah the "infertile".

My life in two week intervals

2011-03-21T08:09:00.000-07:00

My life hasn't been the same since we got back on the TTC block and starting preaching to my uterus to grow a Wee Baby Miller. I now live my life in two week intervals. The first two weeks (PRE Ovulation) and the second 2 weeks (POST ovulation) The first couple weeks go like this:

PRE-OVULATION:

1. Call the doctor because another treatment hasn't worked, ball my eyes out, suck it up & move on (not as easy as it sounds), have a glass of wine (or 4)

2. Go in for cycle day 3 ultrasound & bloodwork..Oh and begin another round of hormone medication.

3. Continue heading to the doctor everyday at 6am *or every other day* while still taking the medication *or increasing the dosage* then rush to make it to work on time and stay on the edge of my seat until the doctor calls to tell me the results

4. IUI, IUI, IUI. (at some point before the IUI it's the weekend so I can have another few glasses of wine/beer)

POST-OVULATION (IUI)

1. TIME SLOWS DOWN

2. I don't have to go to the doctor so I can sleep in an extra hour. Of course my internal clock doesn't know this, so I wake up early. (or a few hours early because the hormones/vitamins make me have to pee a million times a day)

3. It's the weekend. You can't drink. You try to fake it with a pop in a glass because you don't wanna have to tell everyone AGAIN that you're STILL TTC. They figure it out anyway and then you're automatic DD.

4. You are hyper aware of any little twinge/cramp/"symptom"** that could possibly mean it finally worked

**symptoms are the devil. The medication I take gives me the same symptoms. PMS gives you the same symptoms.

And then (for me) it starts all over again.

Right now I'm on #4 for the post section (9 days past IUI) and pulling my hair out! Trying to "relax" I did NOT buy any tests and don't plan to. (too much temptation) One more week to go...

Is/was it the same for you?

Not another 2 week wait

2011-03-14T06:34:00.000-07:00

So for those of you keeping count (haha) this is our 41st cycle of trying to conceive. 40 failed cycles and still holding lots of hope in our hearts that this 41st cycle could bring our miracle.

IUI numero cinco went smoothly on Saturday. Steve's count was wonderful as usual. We didn't do back to back this month. IUI's a pretty uncomfortable and I didn't want Steve to miss that much work. So my mom went with me Saturday for the procedure. She's really good at holding my hand. Afterwards we went to lunch and then she bought me a pair of new shoes for work.

***gross things ahead..stop now if you are faint of heart***

Each month I find things to be hopeful about during the cycle. However this month I had my 2nd cycle ever that I had egg white cervical mucous. EVER! This is a terrific sign of ovulation.

**********

So back in the 2 week wait (more like 3 since I can't call my RE until the 29th!) and praying and hoping and doing everything possible to convince my body to make a baby!

P..C...Oh you gotta be kidding me...S

2011-03-09T05:37:00.000-08:00

I'm not sure if I've mention this before but in the past, oh I'd say 5 years, I have begged a good dozen times to be tested for PCOS. All of the doctors I have spoken with kept telling me with confidence that I didn't have polycystic ovarian syndrome (for those who don't know the acronym).

"You don't have any outwardly symptoms of PCOS" Dr. A#$&*#
"But I haven't had a period in 2 years!" ME

"You hormone levels are fine, you don't have PCOS" Dr. B#@&*#
"But you're saying I don't ovulate on my own?" ME

FFFFFFIIIIIIINNNNNAAAAALLLLLYYYYYY...after THREE AND A HALF YEARS of TTC, Dr. M just nonchalantly says "Oh well since your ovaries are polycystic in appearance, these a. b. & c. reasons are why we don't think it has worked thus far."

Of course I say "Waaaaaaa? So you're saying I have PCOS?"

"Most definitely. You didn't know this?" Dr. M.

So when people say you are the most informed on your own body, or to listen to your gut. Seriously LISTEN TO IT. I knew it. I knew it all along. This is not to say that I've been being treated incorrectly, I haven't. But still an answer to our plight! The reasoning behind why 4 IUI's haven't worked other than "Uh, we don't know it's all a guessing game after the insemination." (which really is basically true anyhow) It's still nice to know I'm not crazy.

This is what the Doc told me about PCOS and egg quality. Women with PCOS produce more testosterone than women without PCOS. This testosterone can dilute the quality of a maturing egg. So while you may be ovulating with the medication (like I have) the egg quality might not be so great because of the PCOS.

In other words its a guessing game anytime I ovulate. The good news is, however, that potentially IUI could work. One of those very precious follicles I'm developing could contain a beautiful egg that has matured normally. Please let us hope that it's this month!

And we'll all float on OK

2011-03-02T04:48:00.000-08:00

I'm so excited for the weekend that this week is just D R A G G I N G on...but in the meantime I have super great fantastic news!

Steve has been studying super hard to get into the Mechanical Learners program where he works. The program is 18 months long and the entrance test is extremely difficult. Once finished you are a state certified "something fancy I can't remember" mechanic. He went to a couple classes, he did the 1 week online program and we made flash cards. I've never seen him study this hard before! The perks of getting into this program are it increases his Labor Grade 2 whole steps once he's done (1 by just getting into the program) and for the entirety of the program he's on a straight day shift Monday thru Friday with weekends off! As you can probably guess HE PASSED!!! He did great! He'll be starting the program in a few weeks! I am so proud of him! AND the big plus is we'll get to spend our weekends together again! So if you know me then you know I'm a huge fan of lazy Saturdays and garage-saleing in the summertime!

This also means I'll be able to plans things with the RE easier. Before it was like "oh gosh what shift will he be on when I'm ovulating!" Silly I know, but a stresser nonetheless.

We have our IVF consult next Monday. I am going to cancel the one with WSU since I found the other one in Kzoo. It just doesn't make any sense to go to 2, when I'm probably not going to go to the other. I'd rather hear what Dr. M has to say about our situation and go from there. We plan on doing 3 more IUI's anywho to save money.

In other things about town, Lent is coming up. I think I'm going to give up a few things this year. Numero One being FAST FOOD! At first I was going to just give up Taco Bell, but I think I'll give it all up together. I've been cooking almost everyday for the last few weeks and even enjoying it a little (don't tell Steve!) I think it'd be fun to try some new recipes. I even (GASP!) downloaded a cookbook to my Kindle!

Oh and P.S. Had my CD3 monitoring today. Everything looks swell! No cysts are to be seen. Lots of little guys are ready to grow! Looks like we're clear to begin IUI #5

How about you crack a Four Loco Count Boozy von Drunkyton?

2011-02-23T13:16:00.000-08:00

I heart Glee. I am a nerd. I've accepted it. Lets move on....

I am looking forward to next weekend. It couldn't come fast enough. Not only will we be beginning a new cycle (IUI #5), but our awesome friends Mike & Amanda are taking us to see Daniel Tosh!!! I hope he's as hilarious in person as he is on Comedy Central. The next night because my husband is super and he knows me so well he is taking me to see the Detroit Derby Girls! I am so excited! I have been asking for weeks to go see the Derby Girls at Cobo. Steve's friend Naked Bob (have no idea why they call him that, nor do I want to know) has a daughter who is a derby girl! I can't wait to see some chicks kick some arse in skates!

We also have our 2 IVF consults on Monday March 7th. I really want to get an idea at how it works and exactly what medications they think I'll need. I'm assuming I'll just be pumped full of Menopur, but I want to make sure I'm hoarding the right medication during these last few IUI cycles. I also found another clinic in Kalamazoo called The Fertility Center
whose rates for IVF are about a third of the ARC program rates. I've compared and it seems like the 30% we'd still owe with the refund guarantee is still about the same as the cost of a total IVF at the Fertility center which makes me questions why the rates are All Over The Place.

Dr. M (my current RE)- $7980 IVF only (no monitoring, no medication)
Dr. S (ARC prgm RE) - $16,625 (no medication, but includes 1 fresh/1 frozen cycle
with a 70% refund guarantee)
Dr. Kzoo (elcheapo) - $5542 (no medication)

You know, I wish medical services were such that we could haggle for the lowest price. I mean why not? We can haggle for a cheap plane ticket, a kitchen sink, new windows in your house...why can't we haggle for a baby? Ah, such is the way of life I suppose.

My yoga instructor gave us a nice quote last week and I liked it so well that I've taped it to my desk at work:

"Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could; some blunders and absurdities have crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; you shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. " Ralph Waldo Emerson

Crazy Dreams!

2011-02-16T05:51:00.000-08:00

So I had this crazy wacky dream last night that I was going in for my very first egg retrieval and I was super nervous. I knew there were lots of good sized follicles in there, but wasn't sure how many we would end up with. I came out of surgery and they said they retrieved 30 follicles. They called me 24 hours later to tell me only 2 of them had fertilized and they would be the only ones transferrable. On one hand I was disappointed, but on the other it was like in the back of my mind this totally made sense. Like "So THIS is why we haven't gotten pregnant! It totally makes sense now. Only 2 out of every 30 eggs of mine are good." Silly I know, but I hope this dream does not fortell the future. I mean that's only a 6% fertilization rate.

I still have my hopes up that IUI #5 will be the trick...not super high, but still..The fortune teller lady did tell me we wouldn't have to resort to more expensive treatments...AND after all, fortune tellers ladies are always right aren't they? ;)

Non-tacky ideas for fundraising???

2011-02-14T11:51:00.000-08:00

So I pretty much have came to the conclusion that some form of fund raising is necessary to afford IVF. We've been saving and we'll probably use most of our tax return, but it still won't be enough. This is stressful, frustrating, and I think I'm a little heartbroken that it will probably come to this.

A few thing I have done today will check a couple things off the previous list. I called attainivf.com. Which of course isn't available in Michigan, but also if you want 3 cycles, you must pay for all 3 cycles even if the 1st one works. So I called ARC, and their program is very similar.

I also called Dr. M to find out cost and set up an IVF consultation appointment. The front desk nurse said that the cost of egg retrieval and transfer (minus medication, lab work & monitoring ultrasounds) is $7,980. So it is $8,000 + $2,000 (medication) + $1500 (monitoring, lab work) which brings the grand total to somewhere in the woods of $11,500 per cycle. Holyschmoly! PER CYCLE guys!!!

So I also made another IVF consultation with Dr. M in Southfield who is with Wayne State University's infertility clinic (they are the only clinic in the state to accept ARC's refund program) on the same day.

I think this way we'll hear 2 options for the best outcome. I really don't want to be patronized at the appointment. I know how IVF works! I just want to be able to afford it and more than once if necessary.

This might come down to a spaghetti dinner/bottle drive/whoknowswhatsit-please-give us-your-spare-change to be able to afford this which makes me even more sad.

Sometimes I just gotta wonder WHY.

Stuck in the Middle with you

2011-02-11T11:43:00.000-08:00

The Detroit area has been frigid lately/as of late (I can't decide which sounds better) So cold we've added an extra blanket to every area of the house. Ok mostly the couch, but it's because I do most of my snuggling with Steve there.

This week (half because of the cold cold weather) we've been laughing at ourselves: We've come to the conclusion that we're the "old" couple; who after work, come home exhausted, I make dinner, and we sit in front of Steve's new hotness (as he calls it) and watch Wheel of Fortune, the Jeopardy, then a show of our choosing off of the DVR, and then we hit the hay (which has ranged anywhere this week from 8pm-10pm) LAME right? Yep, I know. Old. But seriously we've been sleepy, and why fight sleep when it is really really awesome.

My birthday was fun. We went to a really fancy restaurant and shared a couple cocktails (BOO!!!) boo because of the failed IUI, and that I could have a couple cocktails (YAY!) Because I had 2 pomegranate martinis and they were yummy! Then of course we had the 5th Annual Super Birthday Bowl. I took Monday off so the husby and I got a lil tipsy together. Which P.S. is when I questioned "Since when do I get 2 day hangovers now?" Ugh, that part was terrrrible. Never again (a-gain! I say)

Oh we also had a little snow-ish storm again last Saturday and I wasn't able to give my niece her birthday present. Which I think she'll LOVE. Allie is OVER the MOON about Owls, and my friend from work has a friend who makes THESE:

So cute right?? This is the one I had made for her too. The flower was a little extra, but worth it. I think she'll love it! Poor kid we've missed her last 2 birthday parties because of stupid snow. I know her pain though, having a winter birthday myself.

So Steve and I have talked a bit more about IVF, and we are gearing up for it. I have an appointment with my regular doctor to have a couple tests done, and then we'll be making the IVF consult appointment with Dr. M. We have lots of questions and we would love to know of any programs that he accepts. I have read a lot about attainivf and also ARC (only Wayne State seems to accept that one). But the thought of paying a deep discount, getting more cycles, and most of the money back if it doesn't work seems to make more sense than throwing everything we've got into one cycle and saying a million prayers it works. I'm a bit of a control freak, I don't like to take risks and I'm trying to be realistic. So (and this is totally subject to change) this is my hopeful tentative schedule:

1. Finish this BOOOORRRRRING cycle of birth control
2. Start meds for IUI #5
3. Make appt for IVF consult during IUI #5 cycle
4. Have IUI #5
(this is where is gets fuzzy)
5. Hope & Pray IUI #5 takes
6. If not push forward with IVF #1 hopefully in May

I hate uncharted waters...but I am hopeful as always!

Thirrrrrrty-One

2011-02-04T10:13:00.000-08:00

Today I am 31. I really thought that we'd have at least 1 child by now and getting ready to start trying for a second. I guess God's plans are different than mine. Another failed cycle. Another cycle of residual follicles that have turned to cysts. I really think that it was another annovulatory cycle. Which would make 3 out of 4 IUI's have leftovers. Which makes me think they haven't solved my annovlatory issues at all. I really wish I had some answers. But instead I have 32mm cysts in my ovaries and have to sit another cycle out, riding on birth control to spring clean my ovaries.

Honestly I think the only IUI we even had a good shot at was the one last August. But I had to leave for a business trip, and so we did the IUI only 9 hours post trigger. (Way too soon) I totally had all the signs of ovulation (which I never do) and my progesterone blood draw confirmed ovulation too. My new RE doesn't do progesterone blood draws since I'm already taking the booster Ovidrel shot.

Steve and I majorly discussing IVF. So I guess its time to start planning a fundraiser perhaps, or saving like crazy. A friend from babycenter told me about www.attainivf.com... so we'll definitely look into it. IVF scares me for several reasons. The main reason being the risk.

1. It costs over $7,000 per try.
2. It could FAIL.
3. Most IVF's only work 65% of the time.
4. It's pretty invasive

These are just my major concerns. I guess talking to the doctor would alleviate most of them. I don't know, now that we're seriously considering it I'm nervous. But if there is that wonderful bundle of joy at the end it would all be worth it!

Boooooo!

2011-02-02T09:02:00.000-08:00

Looks like a big fat fail.

I'm more sad than I've been in a long time.

I just don't know what else we could've done.

Going to have a big glass of wine on this snow day and cuddle Steve.

What my future hath told..

2011-01-31T05:27:00.000-08:00

So today is 13 days past IUI #4b. I have several symptoms, but whether they are PMS or pregnancy symptoms I have no idea. I think they vary month to month, so I don't think I could tell either way. I caved and took a test this morning not really expecting either way. Of course it was negative. My post would have started differently if it was otherwise. I know it could still be too early to tell, but I don't think so. I'm just ready to get the show on the road either way. Two week waits suck, especially when the end result stinks. The only reason I'm calling them "symptoms" is because they are unusual for me to have before AF shows up.

I went to a "Fortune Telling" party with my sister-in-law and grandma-in-law over the weekend. It was super fun. Somethings she was creepily right about. She talked about the infertility, and how long we had been trying. I had not mentioned any of it at all. She said we were going to have a son (maybe twin sons because a son in my life was so prevalent). Lots of the cards she kept turning over were "pregnancy cards" and "stork" cards. She said I should have a pregnancy belly by the fall! lol! I guess only time will tell. One can only hope. She also said that we wouldn't need to go the more expensive route, that what we were doing will work. I don't know about all that, but I guess we'll see.

The fortune teller told us that we would also be going on a vacation in April or May to Vegas! That would be so awesome! She said that hubby and I could really use some R&R. I totally agree. Oh and she said we would buy a house that has more land in 2012. It would just "fall in our laps" and don't turn it down.

Totally entertaining and fun. I'll take it with a grain of salt, but I hope she's right about the baby part!

My day in 3's

2011-01-21T12:31:00.000-08:00

This afternoon my good friend AJ pointed out that "while perusing my blog she happened to notice that the Mister and I have been married for 3 years, 3 months, 3 weeks and 3 days and to go out to dinner or something!" I wish we could but of couse Steve is working tonight. So I am going to Applebee's with my Mom and then returning to the house to cuddle up on the couch and get me some pug love and watch the rest of the Big Love dvds I rented.

Yep, RENTED from BLOCKBUSTER! I know what you're thinking. "Does Blockbuster still exist?" or "Redbox & Netflix are so like totally WAY cheaper" (not sure why I imagined that in a valley girl voice, oh well) Welp, Redbox does not have season 1 of Big Love, and Steve rules the roost when it comes to netflix. Since he has no desire to watch the show, I knew it would never make it to the top of the Netflix cue....therefore, WAAA-LAAA I rented it from Blockbuster. Oh and it was even a rewards day so I got 4 DVDs for the price of 2. $5 later and I have the 1st ten episodes to watch til my hearts content (or ready for the next ones)

In another wierd association with 3's...Today is 3 days past IUI #4b. The IUI's were successful, painful, and associated with a good amount of bloatiness and cramping. The 1st one hubby had to work, so my lovely friend Sandi held my hand while I had the procedure. I was pretty uncomfortable after, and I even spotted a little (which hasn't happened before). Tuesday's went better than I expected. She said to take some extra strength tylenol because it would probably be more uncomfortable that the 1st one and to expect Steve's count to be cut in half. We were pleasantly surprised to find out his count had more that DOUBLED and the pain was just about the same as the 1st one (thank you Tylenol!)...Now we wait.

We followed protocol exactly as written. I think this is our best shot yet. Even Steve was a little more optimistic about this one!

If this worked (please, oh please Lord!) then we will find out on my 31st birthday (Feb 4th).

In other news, I'm excited to be going to the Plymouth Ice Festival this weekend with Pril. We're going to freeze. We're going to dress in layers, and soothe our frozen insides with hot chocolate. It's going to be super fun! Pictures to follow I'm sure!

Take THAT pituitary gland!

2011-01-16T11:09:00.000-08:00

So FINALLY my body decides to react nicely to the torture I've been subjected to over the last 6 months! Well it reacted pretty well the 1st couple times too, but things always seemed to go wrong..(i.e. Good size follicles, no ovulation..great follicles, ovulation, but out of town so IUI was only 9hrs post trigger which I think is TOO early!)

Today I was given the good news to trigger tonight! My estradiol levels have gone up quite nicely to reach a whopping 383 on CD12. I have 2 good follicles on my right ovary screaming to be released! Well at least that's what I'm hoping for! Plus 2 potential mates that could be ready by IUI time. Because I'm having a nice cycle this month Dr. M and his lovely nurse K think a back to back IUI might be beneficial. So tomorrow is IUI #4a and Tuesday is IUI#4b. I don't think I could count Tuesday's as IUI #5 because its the same cycle so I think A & B is more relative.

I've wanted to do a double IUI for a long time now, but I didn't think they would go for it. Also, it isn't the most comfortable event so I was pretty hesitant.

Now I'm gung-ho and excited to do this. We'll have to finagle a bit with our schedules, but right now I have a good feeling about this! Keeps your fingers & toes crossed and your prayers flowing for the next couple weeks...I know I will be!

To Sir with Love

2011-01-12T12:10:00.000-08:00

Here we go again. We are embarking on IUI #4.... I remain hopeful. Sometimes I question my hopefulness though. I really wonder how I am still hopeful after all the disappointing years of failure. I guess that's the "little ant" in me trying to move that dang rubber tree plant. Perseverance is my name. IUI #4 should happen sometime next week. I'm beginning the Menopur injections tonight. Three vials for 1cc of saline. This is a high dosage. There are only 5 vials in each box of medication. It burns, and it burns more the higher the concentration. It's worth it. Right?

I was talking to my Mister the other night about the magic of the holidays. Stop me if I've wrote about this before, but it seems as though something is missing from Christmas, New Year's Eve, even birthdays....The magic isn't there. The excitement and anticipation is missing. He just bluntly stated "It's because the magic is in the children. We don't have any, so it's missing." He wasn't saying this to be hurtful towards me. It was just a fact. AND he's right. This is when I feel like a failure. His eyes show his ache and yearning. He doesn't say he blames me for this missing from our lives. But it's there. Not blame perhaps, but the hole of a someone missing.

Doctor's say infertility is like dealing with the pain of a death, only OVER and OVER again as the months/years go on in fruitless attempts. Sometimes I agree. I am mourning at least one week of every month of what could've been. Who could've been.

I have trust and faith however this journey will not be met with tears of sadness, but with tears of joy, no matter what road we end up taking to get there....

Today we are 30 together

2011-01-04T07:49:00.000-08:00

Today is Steve's 30th birthday. Today we are the same age for exactly one month. I love it when we are the same age for these 30ish days. We are 30 together. Then next month I move on to 31 and it all starts over again.

Christmas and New Year's Eve was fun and low key. We didn't do anything especially noteworthy. In fact this was the 1st year that we didn't take any pictures. So we have no documented proof of ending 2010, but it was quite a kiss I can tell you that much. We did much of the same as we always do. We watched a lot of football, ate a bunch of junk, and I've landed the obligatory sinus infection.

Come to think of it, I haven't had a sinus infection in a really long time. No wonder I feel so miserable. I just want to breathe! I haven't been sleeping very well because of it and I can't taste food very well either. ugh!

In TTC news, today is CD29. This was our break cycle, although we did do a couple unmentioned things just to keep my cycles running smoothly. So the possibility (although unlikely) of getting pregnant was less that optimistic but still possible. I can say I did have a mature follicle (21mm at cycle day 14) and I did trigger. But there was no follow up to check progesterone or anything of the like. No inseminations, just done the ole' fashioned way. It got the better of me yesterday and I tested, negative of course, but today still no period. My RE told me to call them at 17dpo (which is Thursday) if I haven't started yet. I don't want to have my hopes up, especially with the negative result yesterday. So today I'm 1 day late, and in limbo. We'll see what later holds..........

Edit: AF showed up yesterday 1/5...on to a new cycle

Oh Holy Night!

2010-12-20T07:12:00.000-08:00

Well after that last post I think this one will be surprisingly pleasant. My funk seems to have lifted like a slow moving marine layer on the West Coast. I'm in a much better mood (although I've been having headaches on and off for a week now!)

Steve and I had a great weekend. We shared a little holiday cheer with my old work peeps and then went to a cancer benefit for a high school buddy of his who is strongly in our prayers. I even won one of the raffle prizes!! (a gift cert to Sibley Gardens, which I have never been so I hope it's yummy!) We bowled and it was fun. I haven't bowled since before my John passed away, which made it a little sad, but all the time I was picturing him yelling at me to move over a board and straighten out my arm. :) I bowled a 136 which isn't too bad for not having bowled in over a year.

Yesterday I finished all my holiday wrapping. I almost made it through unscathed but Beast kept trying to attack the paper, so some of it was wasted on playing with the pup.

In TTC news...this break has been wonderful. I've only been in contact with Dr. M's office once. It's been lovely not to have to get up at 5am twice a week to go have an ultrasound and bloodwork. Now only if my body cooperating and ovulated on its own. But such is life. I look forward to getting back to it next month so we can see whats next, but the break has been nice too!

There's a total lunar eclipse tonight! I'm going to try and stay up to see it!! I hope it isn't too cloudy!

Merry Christmas everyone!

Raindrops on roses...

2010-12-14T13:37:00.000-08:00

I am taking a cue from 999 Reasons to Laugh at Infertility and trying to find the humor in life right now. On top of the negative pregnancy blues, I'm also feeling the winter blues pretty early on in the season.

Now I know we're extremely blessed with loving friends and family. PLUS my darling husband is back to work so our finances have finally righted themselves. So it comes with great regret and I'm sorry to say this, and you'll probably never know otherwise, but for those of you on facebook who are my friends who update everyday about your pregnancy/new baby/not so new baby (which is probably about 1/2 of my friends..Ok, ok that's exaggerating) I didn't want to, but I had to hide you. It's for the sake of my sanity and frame of mind I did so. I'm sorry to act so selfish and I promise once out of my funk to properly reinstate you into my daily newsfeed. It just has to be right now. I feel broken and your body works. I don't want to feel jealous and it's exactly how I feel right now. Especially during the holidays. Please accept my apologies.

Ok, so moving on, we are also taking a break this month. For basically the same reasons. I need these measley 4 weeks to help relax my mind and cope with our situation. Since IUI is covered (THANK YOU LORD!) by our insurance we will keep trying, however, after 3 negative results the chances of it working decrease. We will need help and love to get past this, and motivate us to continue this journey as God sees fit. Our next step would be IVF and we just don't have that kind of money at this time. But I can say that our jar of change that was the "Fiji Fund" will promptly turn into our "IVF fun" if we decide it to be so. Stay tuned and hopefully it won't even have to come to that.

“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.” Chinese Proverb

Epic FAIL

2010-12-08T10:46:00.000-08:00

Another failed cycle, another month of dashed dreams and hopes. Somedays I really hate my body. I'm taking a break this holiday season. I'm just frustrated and depressed my body won't do what it's supposed to do. After all those wonderful numbers and ultrasounds to be met with AF like clockwork on CD29 just...for lack of a better word SUCKS.

I really wish I knew which step isn't happening in the process to get this to work! I follow the doctor's orders. I inject myself routinely with medication that burns like acid. I take pills that give me hotflashes and headaches. I wake up at 5am twice a week to go to the doctor's to get poked and prodded. And all for what? Nothing, so far. Nothing to hold in my empty arms. Nothing to soothe and cradle and love with all our heart. Nothing to compare and say "oh, you have my eyes" or "oh, you have your daddy's nose"

Time to start saving for IVF....I'll put my $3 in change in a bucket today...Only $6,997 to go...

Ack, I'm feeling scroogie and grinchie today. I'll feel better tomorrow..I hope.

14dpiui

2010-12-06T06:38:00.000-08:00

Well I made it. Today is 14dpiui and no AF in sight so far. I cracked at the urge to test and did so this morning with craptastic results. BIG FAT NEGATIVE. Not sure what to think. My schedule for the RE says not to call until Thursday if AF still hasn't shown up. Ugh! Well I have a feeling IUI #3 is a bust too. At least we made it this far into the cycle. Come to think of it though, this month we did femara too, and I always got AF on CD 29 with Femara. Today is CD28....ugh. I prayed and prayed and prayed........a little depressed today.

Past the Point of No Return

2010-12-03T10:43:00.000-08:00

Man, Do I LOVE the Phantom of the Opera. I can remember ever since I was about 14 listening to the soundtrack and learning the words. I remember when my high school took a trip to Toronto and I was super excited that we were going to see Phantom live at the Pantages Theatre. Then they made the movie and I was so excited to see how they'd put the masterpiece to film. I loved it. I still do. I'm not such a fanatic anymore, but when I hear it I "sing" along evertime (sing is in quotes because my voice is nowhere near worthy enough)

Anywho I digress...We've made it! Today is 11 days past our IUI! This is a realm of unknown to me. My hopefulness has gone down (quite a bit) since I'm super bloaty and cramping, BUT no AF and it's 11dpiui! hooray! IF this is as far as we go (and I'm really really hoping it isn't) then it is still an improvement from the other 2 IUI's.

IUI #1 - triggered, IUI 46 hours later, AF 10dpiui
IUI #2 - triggered, IUI 14 hours later, AF 10dpiui

So it can't be from the timing. I'm crediting the booster HCG shot and I'm trying not to get excited, but...................(I am a little)

Did I mention it's 11dpiui?

Portrait of the Beast

2010-11-29T06:26:00.000-08:00

Today is 7 days past our IUI #3. I'm ok so far, but have been becoming impatient on the inside. Since I got AF 10dpiui the other 2 times it will be awesome if I can make it past Wednesday. Steve said not to get my hopes up too much and look at it as if it's the 1st step with our new doctor. But I can't help it. Everything went well, his count was amazing, and I'm feeling really good about this. I know we can't have everything we want, and there is a reason for everything, but really all I want for Christmas is to be pregnant. Forget the awesome black boots I bought for a superb price! Forget all those material gifts, this is the only thing I want, and it will have to be a gift from God.

In other news, the wonderfully talented Natalie Holbrook (look to the right and click on the icon! Her blog is awesome) is having a giveaway contest by an amazing artist Rachel Stratford. Go visit her website it's awesome! I would love to have a potrait done of my loveably insane puggo.

Green Light means GO!

2010-11-20T12:24:00.000-08:00

YAY! IUI #3 is a GO! My estradiol went from 12 on Tuesday, to 74 on Thursday to 240 today!!! I have one great follicle at 20mm, and couple smaller ones that could be contenders at 15 & 13. I will be triggering tonight and going in for IUI #3 Monday morning! I think I'm a little too excited, but I'm staying this way because being discouraged beforehand isn't good for me. Everything stayed pretty smooth through this cycle. I just need some prayers for this two week wait coming up!

My poor Grand Prix, the last BIG thing I owned from before we got married has gone the way of the dodo bird. And we are now the proud owners of THIS:

And yep, we bought it with a backseat because we'll hopefully be putting some "Miller Lights" (as our friend AJ wants to call them) in the back!

She sells sea shells (2)

2010-11-17T13:20:00.000-08:00

I think I've named a post that before, but it still works with my post today, hence the (2) that I put after it. Not to be confused as a continuation of a previous post from long ago.

Steve and I went to Frankenmuth over the weekend and it was DECADENT! So much food and shopping and lovely house brewed beer. Can I just say that the Black Forest Tavern's "Lost Fugawi" brew and chocolate walnut fudge is a wonderful combination? Can I? Well it is. Too bad it's all gone. Not that I am indulging this week since we are in the final week before insemination time. We had a lovely time. We played put put, went swimming, made pretzels, walked the town, braved the CROWDS and ate and ate and ate.

I had forgotten ALL about side effects from medication. For some reason none of the injectables ever effected me. Perhaps ingesting something subcutaneously is better on my body after all (except for the forthwith bruise after the injection). Femara = HOTFLASHES & HEADACHES. So happy that I'm finished with it and back to the bruising syringes. I had a disturbing visit/results from the RE on Tuesday morning which had me all sorts of worried. Follicle size - Rt= 15, 9 x2...Lt= 12x2, 10 HOWEVER my estradiol (estrogen) was ONLY A 12!!! Well silly me flipped a lid and scoured the internet learn of any such thing happening to anyone else. Of course I found nothing. So I did as any other highly emotional infertile would do. I called the RE back and asked for more clarification. Everyone knows as your cycle progresses your estradiol should INCREASE not decrease. Well I spoke to a lovely, mind calming nurse named "Karen" who said "Of course it's so low, you were on Femara, that's to be expected." "OOOOOHHHHHHh!" says Me. This is when I learned that Femara suppresses the action of making estradiol to force your body to make FSH. (which is good because I could use more of that)

Sooooooooooo, to make a long post even longer. I'm back on Menopur hoping for a JUMP in estradiol levels tomorrow when I go back....IUI #3 (redo) is back on track for at least another 24hours.

One small leap!

2010-11-10T11:44:00.000-08:00

Love the Fall! GO BLUE!

YAY! I won't have to go on a month of birth control. "My ovaries are clear" in Zelda's voice from Poltergeist. My Estradiol level was 28, FSH 4 and LH 4. These are all good numbers for Cycle Day #2! So tomorrow we will be starting the new protocol!

I'm actually pretty excited about this cycle. I have more hope with this new doctor. I was even EARLY to work this morning after my bloodwork and ultrasound! Which is AMAZING! My ultrasound wasn't uncomfortable at all (also amazing), and the phlebotomists are very talented. I think I'm going to like Michigan Comprehensive Fertility. At least I hope I will. I think the only downfall is the $3 to park each and every time.

So keep up those prayers ladies and gentlemen!

Here we go headed for IUI #3 "repeated"!

In other news, my Mister has planned a weekend getaway to Frankenmuth! I'm super stoked. We're staying at the Bavarian Inn. I can't wait to hit the little shops and the pubs!! We have pretzel making reservations and dinner reservations too! Oh man, I'm foreseeing a glutenous weekend....Fudge, Pretzels and Bacon Oh My!

Negative Good Buddy

2010-11-06T22:44:00.000-07:00

Well I knew my beta would be negative but I was still slightly disappointed. Now I'm just waiting on that pesky AF to get her ass to town so I can get this damn show on the road! HA! Patience is a virtue I know. I can't believe this month is our 3rd anniversary of TTC (for those who are reading and not up on the infertility lingo, AF is Aunt Flo, and TTC is Trying to Conceive) We've been trying to expand our family for 3 years now and in that time we've had friends who have gone on to already have 2 children born. It just makes me wonder when our turn will be to share this journey.

So if your up there listening to my prayer God.....PRETTY PLEASE can it FINALLY be our turn?

In bloom....

2010-11-03T07:58:00.000-07:00

My Christmas cactus almost in bloom!!

So my 1ww has turned into longer. I am officially LATE. Although I took a test yesterday and got negative results. I did some research and found out prometrium can delay your cycle by a couple days. I am not optimistic. Nothing on me is feeling like this is going to be a "positive" outcome. Even with 17 dang follicles!!! Can you even believe that? So I wish we could just get this show on the road for the next cycle. Whether it be birth control or being able to start the fertility drugs again. My new doctor is amazing as fist impressions go. He is on target with everything I want. Basically more testing and more aggressiveness. We will be combining femara & menopur since I had great results with the femara. Followed by back to back IUI's and maybe a booster HCG shot 3 days after the IUI. I'm excited by the possibilities of hopefully succeeding. The new doctor gives you ALL the info, and tells you everything you need to know. So c'mon you dirty hag AF, get on with it.....unless......and I guess a teensy tiny little part of me is still in my head saying "unless"...Calling my new doctor to tell them I haven't started so they can run blood work tomorrow or Friday.

Halloween was pretty good. I flew solo to a couple of the parties we were invited to. I was the Hamburglar. I guess I 3rd wheeled it since I was with friends. Steve was on midnights. We've actually planned out the rest of the year on the swing shift turn he is on, and it was going to be perfect. Midnights for Thanksgiving & Christmas, but off for NYE. I need my midnight smooch people! Alas, the higher ups have seen to change our lives and he might have to go on a different turn, which will screw up our whole holiday season. afternoons for Thanksgiving & Christmas...and midnights for NYE! I am not happy. He is not happy. I guess when working swing shift it comes with the territory

In bloom!

This is the only flower so far, but there are several more on their way~

OHSS

2010-10-26T12:08:00.000-07:00

Welp I was hoping it was just constipation or something easily fixed, but I have a very mild case of OHSS. UGH! My abdomen feels like I was just kicked in it. Stupid body. Can't it get something right? Anywhoswhatsit, my progesterone showed that I ovulated, but the level was kind of low so I have to take a prometrium supplement for awhile. I'm finding myself back in the 2ww, with 1 week to go, and not sure if I should have my hopes up or not. Guess time will tell.

Oh please, oh please, oh please....

IUI #3 cancelled

2010-10-19T07:09:00.000-07:00

To make it easier I am just going to copy the email that was sent to me by my RE yesterday:

Hi Sarah,

Your estradiol level dropped from 709 to 450. Your right ovary shows 17,16 x2,14,13 x2,12 x2,10mm follicles. The left ovary shows 18, 17, 15, 14, 13 x3, 12 mm follicles. The doctor said studies have shown when the estradiol level drop pregnancy rates are lower in IVF patients and he can only assume the same for ovulation induction patients. So that being said you can take your ovidrel tonight but he recommends no IUI this cycle due to cost. Instead plan for relations tomorrow and Wednesday night, and return for Progesterone level 10/26/10. There is still a chance for pregnancy and we wish you success. Call if you have questions.

I am disappointed. I am upset. I have a bruise on my stomach that is a waste of time. We are changing doctors for a few reasons:

1. Found one MUCH closer in Dearborn
2. They have monitoring in the morning that begins earlier
3. My current RE won't give me explanations of why things keep going wrong. (They just keep saying I'm young so I have time)
4. I want a doctor that will be more aggressive with my treatment or run more tests to see why things keep going wrong

So we've made an appointment with the new Re at Dr. M's office on the 28th of October.

Captain Time Crunch

2010-10-14T07:29:00.000-07:00

When you begin the journey of deciding to have a baby most people feel excited and hopeful. They probably think it won't take more than a couple months of trying, for success. When they make a quick trip to Target and see some really cute baby clothes on sale they buy them thinking soon they'll have a little person to put them on.

My journey started out absolutely nothing like that. I knew early on that there might be an issue with having a baby. I was put in the hospital when I was 16 for having female issues and then they were controlled with birth control pills for the next 11ish years (on & off). My obgyn told me when it was time to start having children I'd probably need a pill to "get me going" but that would be all. Well fast-foward to today and I think it's safe to say that a "little pill" hasn't done the trick yet. Doctor's aren't perfect and I'm surely not saying it was Dr. S's fault in anyway. It's just a feeling of loss I feel today. The feeling of normalcy which doesn't exist. I can't be the normal woman who feels the hope of making love to my husband and there being a baby on the way 2 weeks later. My mother would tell you I have never been "normal." I am the march-to-the-beat-of-my-own-drum kind of person. If there were directions on how to accomplish a task, I would do something totally different, but it felt right to me, and I still got the same results.

Well, folks, I'm NOT getting the same results. I have these little glimpses of HOORAY my follicles and bloodwork looked great today. Then I come back to reality 2 days later knowing it was too good to be true. Thinking I MIGHT ACTUALLY BE ON TASK! Psh- says my body, how about instead of us growing the follicles we already have, lets not and grow different ones. In other words:

Tuesday- follicle count 3- 13mm(left) 11, 10(right)
Today- follicle count 10ish- 14mm (left) 10-12's (right)

I am staying optimistic. I am saying to myself "More follicles could mean great results with the IUI." I am staying hopeful. I know it will happen someday *and soon*......right?

This so called "process" is becoming more stressful as the YEARs go on and no BFP. I can see it in my attitude, Steve's attitude, my greenie meanie self trying to stay calm towards people at work who have no idea what we're doing and going through to do it. It's also a day to day time gobbler. I have been late to work because of the time it takes to get there and back. They won't open earlier for me, and so I'm forced to look like a bad employee on the days I'm not the first patient there (even though I arrive a half hour BEFORE they open, sometimes there is someone already there waiting) This is not good. Steve gives my current RE til the end of the year and then he says we're switching doctors. I don't blame him. I understand his frustration, BELIEVE ME! I think I might look into a new RE sooner. Too bad there aren't any downriver AT ALL, that I know of...IF I'm wrong PLEASE someone tell me!

sorry, vent over...I have a cold, so I may be a bit cranky.

Good Morning Kisses!

2010-10-05T10:33:00.000-07:00

So as tradition while Steve has been my wonderfully house-husbandy guy I would get up each morning and after I had brushed my teeth, and got ready for my day I would go into the dark cozy bedroom and kiss him goodbye. In his half sleep he would almost everytime say "Bye, Peanut, have a great day" This was each and every workday. Now that Steve has been back to work these wonderful last 2 days the tables have turned. Stev-ee-oh has to be at work an hour before me and so he must get up and leave before I even smash my alarm to snooze. So now I've been getting Good Morning Kisses goodbye and I've been the one to roll over into his warm cozy spot left behind in the bed after he gets up. AND I gotta say it's kinda nice!

I took Steve horseback riding as his Anniversary Surprise on Saturday and HE LOVED IT! He was excited and loved that I thought to do it. He loved it when we went on our honeymoon and that was his first time on a horse. I'm so glad he liked it. The weather was pretty crappy. But it stopped raining long enough for us to go on our ride, so it was perfect! If anyone is interested we went to Crown V Ranch in Highland State Park in White Lake. They were awesome there! Beautiful trails! We saw a bunch of deer and wild turkeys too!

We've been able to start pipe dreaming again about all the things we would like to do. Steve is really geared towards saving up some money and buying a new truck. All in all things are on the up swing.

I'm loving Yoga, it's been great for my piece of mind. It's incredibly relaxing and helps my body to calm down from the stresses of work. Our teacher is bringing me some material about infertility and yoga to tonight's class. Since I'm loving it so much I'm hoping there's things I can do at home to help relax and "channel" some fertile aid!

In that realm of our life, today is cycle day 1! So I've made the obligatory phone call to Doctor B's and will more than likely be going in for my baseline stuff on Thursday. Here's hoping my ovaries are free and clear of debris and we'll be ready to try again. We're not sure with Steve's work schedule how we'll be able to schedule the IUI, but I have faith that it'll work out. We'll figure it out. So guess it's time to get my Sharps container back out and get my injections ready to go! I have a great feeling about October!!!

Blessed is this life

2010-09-28T12:05:00.000-07:00

and I'm going to celebrate being alive! (Brent Dennen)

Today marks our THIRD wedding anniversary! I can't believe that only 3 years ago I was making a forever moment with my best friend and the most wonderful guy I know. Three years ago at this very moment I was getting pictures taken with my bridesmaids outside the church trying to peek through the windows to get a glimpse of my soon to be husband! I was nervously waiting to walk up the aisle for my first and last time. Three years later and we are still blessed to be very much in love. We are insync with each other which is a blessing.

Today also marks a wonderful announcement! and NO it's not the annoucement I've been waiting to write on here for the last 2 and a half years, but it's almost as good. My wonderful husband got called back to work today! After 2 years of being laid off from his job, they FINALLY called him back this afternoon. I am so happy and releived! and THANKFUL! Maybe this great turn of events will lead to even more wonderful announcements in the not so distant future.

Until then I'm just thankful and so happy to be marking our 3rd year togther!

PS 3rd year traditional gifts are leather. Steve got me some awesome cowgirl boots! I'm going to weatherproof them tonight and hopefully I'll have some pictures up on my next post of his anniversary surprise!

Harvest Moon

2010-09-24T05:45:00.000-07:00

The weather has been terrific lately (although my hubby would say it's too hot!). I don't mind 85 degree weather in September because I know those days are numbered before the cold stays for good. This week I started Zumba on Mondays, and Yoga on Tuesdays. They are so different from each other and I love them both! Monday's I sweat my toosh off, and Tuesday's I stretch and meditate. It's great! Hopefully it will also help to shed some of this muffin top off. I blame the fertility drugs, but it's also my eating habits. I mean who really NEEDS a cheesesteak for dinner??

Next week is our 3rd Wedding Anniversary! It seems like yesterday we were saying "I do" and celebrating in Mexico! Oh how I miss Mexico. Steve has school that night and I have Yoga, so I think we'll probably celebrate here and there over the next week. I'm not sure if or what he has planned, but I'm taking him on a super secret excursion next weekend and then out to dinner at a highly recommended Thai restaurant down the street from where we are going. I'm excited, I hope he likes it. Next week is also my BEAUTIFUL sister's 35th birthday! I want to make her a cake but she'd rather have a present so we'll see what I come up with!

Tomorrow we are off early in the morning to the Michigan game! I love the smell of Ann Arbor on a crisp Saturday fall morning!

On the infertility front, this week marks the last week of BC's! I can't believe I'm actually looking forward to AF. I think I'm most looking forward to this next cycle because we have an aggressive game plan. Needles don't scare me, I'm used to them by now! Oh and I read this great article on how Yoga can help fertility, so that could be a good thing. I'm staying positive and confident. It's our turn, we want it, we've prayed, so keep praying for us guys we'll need it in October!

Hubris

2010-09-20T10:32:00.000-07:00

A friend of mine and I were discussing this show she had watched on Discovery Health Channel the other day called "8 Boys Wanting a Girl". I was so appalled by what she had told me that I went home and looked it up on the computer and watched for myself. In the the first minute and a half this woman compared her "longing" for a girl to the effect of women who can't have children at all. This is all AFTER, mind you, this woman has had 4 gorgeous children who just happen to all be boys. FOUR CHILDREN!!!!!!!! I was in shock.

This brings about other feelings that I have about women who complain about being a mother/pregnant/etc.... It hurts my heart that there are incredibly selfish women out there who can do all sorts of things to hurt their families and themselves but are still able become pregnant and have healthy children. Children who will one day learn about why that parent was so arrogant and selfish. I do not want to go into details about the feelings I am having lately because this could hurt others that I love. I wish I knew other infertiles in real life. Most of my friends either have children or aren't in that stage to think about children yet. My heart has a longing that cannot be filled with words or hugs...although I stay optimistic. What else can I do?

To watch this video follow the link: http://health.discovery.com/videos/8-boys-wanting-a-girl-being-thanfull.html

BC blues

2010-09-10T11:38:00.000-07:00

Welp, I have to go on birth control AGAIN. More residual follicles stuck in my ovaries that aren't dissolving (OR releasing for that matter) Another month of just waiting, another month being stagnant. At least this month is full of some funfilled events. I have a surprise set up for Steve for our anniversary and I would talk about it but it would probably be the first time Steve ever decides to read this blog.

I'm pretty excited that next weekend we're going to see Alice in Chains at DTE and the Deftones with a group of friends. It's gonna be super fun. I've also signed up for a Zumba class with my a couple friends. Then my Mom and I are doing a Yoga class for 10 weeks. If I do happen to get preggo sometime in October hopefully I'll be a little more toned!! We're going to the Michigan Game on the 25th! I'm super excited! Then the next weekend is my "Surprise" Plus we might go camping the following weekend. So I have plenty of activities coming up to make the time go by til we can get back to this.

I'm just so frustrated and fed up with this process. I just need some prayers and luck on my side. So get ready for October guys, I'm gonna need it!

Big Fat Negative

2010-09-08T05:49:00.000-07:00

And again this month my hopes and chances are blown. I'm not as upset this time as I was last month. I thought it went better this time. Especially since I ovulated, but it was not in the cards.

Progesterone on FRIDAY (6dpiui)- 13.7

It happened the same as last time, exactly the same. (and last time they said I didn't ovulate) Spotting 10dpiui in the late afternoon with full force AF by 11dpiui. I'm wondering why its happening so early?? I'm wondering if these injections are giving me a luteal phase defect, and what exactly is a LPD? Is my progesterone not building like it should? What's happening between 6dpiui & 10? WHAT IS GOING ON WITH MY DAMN BODY!?!?! that's really my question. IVF is just NOT an option with us. I mean who really has a spare $7,000-$10,000 just laying around for a 1 shot deal? AND if you do, could you consider a donation to a worthy cause? :)

Back in the USSR.....

2010-09-01T08:09:00.000-07:00

Only not Russia! To Me USSR means:

U ltra
S ensitive
S ymptoms (or Side Effects)
R eaction

When you're being treated, as I am, for infertility you start paying closer attention to your body and end up being hypersensitive to side effects or symptoms. Today I'm thinking the "symptoms" I'm having are from the HCG trigger shot. But I'll just have to deal and hopefully have a great outcome in 9 days!!

We did the IUI on Saturday and all went great! I'll spare you the gory details but she said it definitely looked like I was ready to ovulate/ or already ovulating. It even hurt MUCH less then the last one. In fact other that the discomfort from the speculum it really didn't hurt at all. Steve's numbers were awesome! So now we're 4 days past the IUI and waiting to test until the 11th. Although we are going to Cedar Point on the 7th so I'm going to pretest that morning, just in case!

So, for now, I'm praying and hoping!!!

“Success means having the courage, the determination, and the will to become the person you believe you were meant to be” George Sheehan

Sorry Mario, but the Princess is in another castle...

2010-08-25T13:09:00.001-07:00

HOORAY! My body is finally paying attention to all the hormones I've been injecting into it! Here's a small breakdown:

CD 3- Estrogen Level (E2)- 42 Nice and low for beginning of cycle
Follicles- Bunches mostly 9's & 10's
75mL of Menopur injected for 5 days

CD 8- Estrogen Level (E2)- 72 eh, it's coming up but not quickly
Follicles- Largest is a 12 on the right and 10 on the left
150mL of Menopur injected for 2 days

CD 10-Estrogen Level (E2)- 117 slowly but surely going up
Follicles- Largest is a 12 on the right and 11 on the left (NOT GROWING!)
225mL of Menopur injected for 2 days

CD 12-Estrogen Level (E2)- 469!! About time my body reacted!
Follicles- Largest is a 16 on the right and 13 on the left (bunches of 12-10's)
225mL of Menopur injected for 2 days

Back on Friday for ANOTHER scan and bloodwork. Doc B says we will most likely trigger Friday afternoon, and do the IUI Saturday morning. I'm a bit concerned that we'll do the IUI less than 24 hours post trigger, but she said it's not too different. So we'll see. She also mentioned that if this doesn't result in pregnancy we probably won't try this medication again. UGH! ALL of these boxes of unused medication because my body won't react or reacts just right, but won't release!

I wish there was some kind of map out there or flow chart that says TRY THIS- did it work- ok, NO, follow the "no" arrow to the corresponding "next thing to try" box and we are all privy to it or similar. Unfortunately every woman is different not only in size, shape and personality, but also how her body decides to react to hormones and pregnancy. It's mapless.....

Mary, Mary quite contrary...

2010-08-23T10:30:00.000-07:00

How does your garden grow?

Well I can tell you for a fact that mine does NOT seem to be growing with menopur. I went in Saturday for my CD8 scan and I had 5 measurable follies on my right ovary with the biggest being a 12. So they doubled my dosage of Menopur and wanted me back Monday (this) morning. I went in this morning hopeful, praying the whole way that all those little guys needed was a kick with the double dosage to grow, grow, grow. Well depressingly they didn't. My number of measurable follicles went UP to 9 measurable on my right and 4 on my left, but the largest still only being a 12. UGH! So now I'm at an impasse. I'm waiting on my "results" phone call of my bloodwork and to see what the nurse is going to want me to do about those darned guys growing. I'm hoping there aren't too many to make them to cancel the cycle, and I hope we can get this month's IUI in before I leave on Sunday for 3 days out of town. I'm just bummed and don't understand my body at all. There are some questions I have that I'm hoping can be answered by this afternoons follow up call and I'm going to write them down so I don't forget:

1. Why isn't the Menopur working like the Gonal-F?
2. Why did they grow so quick with the Gonal-F but they didn't release (no ovulation)?
3. Why was this whole "ovulation" thing working with the femara (pill) but not with injectables???????????????? (this is my biggest question)
4. Should we try to just go back to the femara + trigger and do an IUI? I mean I know it's only 1 mature egg, but at least it dropped and was ready!

I guess through all this I just thought that *BOOM* like lightning my struggles would be over and everytime they aren't. I actually really haven't considered myself (although I should have, by now sheesh!) an INFERTILE. Now it looms over my head like a label I can't shake. And boy oh boy, does this menopur make me emotional! Steve and I watched The Sixth Sense yesterday and I flippin' balled my eyes out! Who does that?

On second thought, let's not go to Camelot. It is a silly place.

2010-08-18T07:38:00.000-07:00

Well here we are back in the swing of things with TTC. I have to say that Menopur burns like I've just taken a shot of grain alcohol on an empty stomach. But it goes away pretty quickly and all I'm leftover with the next day is a nasty headache (only no funny drunk parts in between). Or maybe the headache is being caused by the change in weather, who knows. All I know is *burn* then 12 hours later *headache* and has been such these last 2 days.

Some people might question why we're still in midst of TTC since Steve has still not been able to find fulltime employment. Well no sir, we aren't financially what I would consider quite "stable" but we are making it just like the rest of the shmucks in this lovely 33% unemployment rated county. I am reminded by the fabulous Gloria Gaynor who belted the lyrics "I will survive" and survive we have. When Steve was first laid off we thought it wouldn't last longer than 6 months, and had budgeted accordingly. Now that it's going on 2 years, we might not be as confident, but we are surviving. Why not wait to keep TTC you ask until he finds more gainful employment? Well we are a working couple, and I have a great job, maybe Steve will stay home with the **future*** children. BUT as you can see in the sidebar, this daunting task of TTC has been no easy matter. It has taken us almost 3 years to get to the stage we are, and who would want to stop now? Besides we're not even sure how long it could take to FINALLY work! Oh sure we've taken breaks, to try to regain some normalcy and emotional saneness. It's like being a runner and hitting the wall, you just have to break through it and keep going.

and keep on going we shall....

**feeling a bit stressed and emotional today, must be the Menopur!!**

PS I have been soaking up 2 blogs that I recently fell in love with: Nat the Fat Rat (check her out she is super cute and funny!) & the Nie Nie dialogues (I've read her for awhile, but she's awesomeness!). Both of which has me wondering more about the Mormon faith. I found it beautiful that Mormon weddings are so special and seemingly more private, and that the couple is "sealed" forever in a special ceremony. Anywhoswhatsit, just a PS thought, go check them out!

do good things come in large boxes?

2010-08-12T10:21:00.000-07:00

So my Menopur FINALLY came! My appeal with my insurance company was approved and two days later my large box came via FedEx. They sent me 4 boxes of Menopur with 5 vials of solution/medication each, and of course my Ovidrel. My friend still hasn't shown up even though I ended the bcp on Sunday night. I'm hoping there isn't something wierd going on which will make me have to take progesterone to bring the b*$&# on, which would set back my IUI day. I guess it depends, I'm trying to time everything out right so that my window doesn't occur while I'm in DC for 2 days. I'm praying that it comes by this weekend or not at all. I leave on the 29th for DC, and last month my IUI was on CD11, so hopefully everything is timed right to do IUI #2 just before I leave.

Last weekend was really nice. We went to the Monroe County fair and saw some crazy circus. Steve and I went to the lake and got to spend the day with my Mom and my sister's kids. Those 3 kids crack me up! We took them to Point Pelee and showed them everything that we love about the place. We couldn't stay long though because the biting flies were abundant and it was awful. Tommy loved the tram out to the tip the best. We also showed them the GIANT TOMATO in Leamington, which is totally silly. We took some cute pictures. Then Sunday we went to my inlaws for dinner and then went to the driving range (which btw, I comepletely suck at)

Steve and I at the Fair

Steve, My nieces and nephew, and my Mom at the 42 line of Latitude, Point Pelee

I'm looking forward to this weekend. We're going to play dollar blackjack at St. Stephen's festival and on Saturday we're going canoeing! Steve also set a quit date for smoking, and I'm so proud that he seems serious about it. I am doing it with him, but since I don't smoke very much at all I don't think it will be as hard for me (here's hoping!)

Penelope

2010-08-06T07:58:00.001-07:00

Have you even seen that movie with Christina Ricci where she's born with a pig nosed curse, and her mother is overbearingly trying to marry her off to a "blue-blood", and so she gets overwhelmed and she runs away to experience life for herself, only to find that ******SPOILER ALERT************* she likes herself the way she is pig nose and all, and that's what breaks the curse????

Sometimes I feel like I'm cursed with a pig nose, only in my uterus. I was born with a uterine septum, which doesn't necessarily prevent pregnancy, but it doesn't help sustain one either. Combined with the "pretty sures I've never ovulated naturally", it makes for one heck of a fertility curse. Only unlike Penelope I'm having a pretty hard time liking myself the way I am.

I was NEVER the girl to feel insecure about what I looked like, even though I'm practically a giant in girl terms (6 feet). I was also never the girl to think "Oh I'm so fat" because, well basically, I never had a problem with weight gaining until I hit 25 and BOOM 30lbs goes right on! Lately however, and it's probably due to all the crazy raging hormones from the injections, and then NO injections, and then birth control making me crazy on the inside, I find insecurity creeping into my mindset. I'm puffy, my stomach could definitely use some sit-ups (even though I LOATHE any form of regulated exercise) and I'm really really not eating right.

So Steve and I have come up with a plan.

1. Make a weekly menu
2. Buy as much fresh produce for that menu as possible
3. Go grocery shopping once a week so we only use fresh products
4. Eat healthy, and (for Steve) NO MORE MIDNIGHT snacks!
5. Allow 1 treat a week, but in moderation.

I'm hoping we can stick to this. I do know how we love our Taco Bell!

Are there any homeopathic foods that supposedly increase fertility??? We could try to incorporate those into our menu!

Stagnant

2010-08-04T07:50:00.000-07:00

How many synonyms are there for feeling like I'm at a stand still?

Stagnant was the first that came to mind.
There's also:

Freeze
Grind to a Halt
Mire
Pause
Stop Dead

I'm on my second week of birth control and I just want to get this show on the road already. I think I'll stop taking them a half a week ahead of time so I can get my medicine done before I fly to Virginia. Problem being I need to time it so the IUI is either before or after I get back. If I can. I hate having my life revolve around something so uncontrollable. But not being in progress of anything is awful too. I even posted a question on my babycenter.com board and no one even acknowledged it. It's like they only want to hear if something is going on, not if you have nothing. None of my close friends seem to understand (probably because none of them had a problem getting pregnant) and when they ask and I answer, their eyes gloss over like they only asked to be polite and I should give them the shortened response. Which, ashamedly, I have been doing. Trust me almost 3 years of TTC, I'm bored of talking about it too!

Know whats funny? Feeling like you have little in common with people you call best friends. Feeling awkward like I'm in junior high again because I don't know the latest things going on. For example I go to Monday night girl's night to watch Bachelorette (which I'm not even into I just want to be part of "girls night", 1st reason I feel awkward)

2. I mention "Hey I'm reading this really great book"
I'm humored for 5 minutes about reading and how they don't have time to read,
which then turns into a conversation about them being so busy because
of the kids and work. Which then turns into a "Do you know what she/he said
today?" followed by a "Oh, I know my she/he said that at his/her age too!" Which
is then followed by stories for a half hour about how flippin' cute/gross/
funny/smart their kids are. Which then I'm left out of and have to use my
defensive humor and mention something my dog does. (Is this jealousy on my part?
or are my friends just being normal and I'm being sensitive? Probably)

3. Knowing nothing about the girl or the guys on Bachelorette, so my dorky ass reads
up on it so I can talk about that with them. Then I get a look like I'm a dork
because now I know too much.

Ugh, maybe I'm just feeling sensitive today or a little empty. Who knows. I'm looking forward to going to the Monroe County fair on Thursday. Going to see my first tractor pull (YEE HAW! lol, yeah right!) and Steve of course loves seeing the prized animals (God only knows why!) Then we'll share a funnel cake and it'll be a great night!